English Grammar with Mrs. Stewart

[33,432 words]

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This story is intended for adults only. It contains depictions of forced nudity, spanking, and sexual activity of preteen and young teen children for the purpose of punishment. None of the behaviors in this story should be attempted in real life, as that would be harmful and/or illegal. If you are not of legal age in your community to read or view such material, please leave now.

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Let’s study English grammar with Mrs. Stewart.

by George Spelvin

A neatly dressed middle-aged woman stepped out in front of a packed auditorium. “Good afternoon, fellow pedagogues, I am happy to see all of you here. It was a pleasure meeting some of you here at this convention. I hope you got as much out of the convention as much as I did, and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.

“My name is Mrs. Stewart and I feel honored to be chosen as the keynote speaker. With the video clips and the still slides which I brought with me, I hope to share some thoughts and insights which you can take back with you.

“There are three points which I wish to bring out. The first point is the importance of relating to the student’s own experience. A student may see on paper that two plus two equals four, but might not make sense of those symbols on paper. A student needs to deal first-hand with what those symbols represent.

“A student in science class might see a diagram of the inside of an animal, but might not make sense of that diagram. That student needs to deal with what is real.

“A student in social studies might hear about current events, but not be able to relate to those events. A student needs to deal with what is right here right now.

“In the demonstration which I am about to give you, nothing will be presented in the abstract, nothing will be presented in charts or diagrams, and nothing will be beamed in from the other side of the world. My students will have actual experiences in the classroom.

“The second point which I hope to bring out is that education should appeal to the students’ emotions. We need to relate to the students’ own emotions before we can describe how Romeo felt and how Juliet felt. We need to tap the students’ own emotions before we can teach them about how the American Colonists felt about their British rulers.

“The third point is that education should be student-directed. We cover an enormous number of topics in this demonstration, but you see that the students had a hand in deciding how those topics would be covered.

“We will begin with what happened at the start of the school year.”

/// parts of speech

Mrs. Stewart turned on the video projector, showing a video clip in which she is speaking to the class:

MRS. STEWART: Welcome to English class. First, I want to explain to you that this will be a student-centered class. Instead of memorizing facts out of a textbook, we will brainstorm about subjects which are important to you. Instead of talking about something far away, we’ll talk about something we can see right here. You see that we have a podium for posing and acting. And we have a still camera and a video camera and a spotlight. That is so we can have dramatic play about subjects which are important to you.

In the convention hall, Mrs. Stewart switched to the slide projector. A title card defined PART OF SPEECH as “a category to which a word is assigned in accordance with its function.”

Mrs. Stewart switched back to the video screen:

MRS. STEWART: This might be hard for you to understand, so I’ll break it down. There is one part of speech which could name a person, place, thing, or idea. Who can give me an example of a word naming a person, place, thing, or idea.

FRASQUITA: “Boy”!

MRS. STEWART: Very good! There is also another part of speech which describes a word that names a person, place, thing, or idea. Who can give me a word which describes “boy”?

MERCEDES: “Gorgeous”!

MRS. STEWART: Excellent! There is also a part of speech which describes some other word. Can you give me a word which describes “gorgeous”?

FRASQUITA: “Absolutely”!

MERCEDES: “Positively”!

ABIGAIL: “Utterly”!

MADDY: “Completely”!

ISIS: “Totally”!

MRS. STEWART: We’re right on top of things today, aren’t we! Now sometimes the same word can serve in all three parts of speech. “Home” is an example. Someone give me a sentence using “home” as a word naming a person, place, thing, or idea.

ABIGAIL: I have a nice home.

MRS. STEWART: Correct! Now someone give me a sentence using “home”’ as a word which describes a word that names a person, place, thing, or idea?

MADDY: I stayed home yesterday.

MRS. STEWART: You students are really getting it! Now can someone give me a sentence using “home” as a word which describes some other word?

ISIS: I went home after visiting my friends.

MRS. STEWART: That’s ANOTHER good example! But there is just one problem. We need to talk about something we can see right here in this classroom. We can’t fit all your homes in this classroom. Is there some other word that we can use for all three parts of speech?

ALL GIRLS: “Nude”!

MRS. STEWART: You’re spot on! How can we use the word “nude” the first way?

FRASQUITA: A picture of a nude person is a nude.

MRS. STEWART: That’s right, Abigail. I’ve been noticing Maddy with her sketch pad, and by glancing at her sketch pad, I see what’s on her mind. And she seems to be good at it, too. So maybe she can help us throughout the year. How can we use the word “nude” the second way?

MERCEDES: A nude boy.

MRS. STEWART: Right again. How can we use the word “nude” the third way?

FRASQUITA: A boy posing nude. Or swimming nude. Or sleeping nude. Or doing ‘most anything nude, I don’t care, so long as he’s nude.

/// noun

MRS. STEWART: Very good. Let’s start with the first of these three parts of speech.

Mrs. Stewart switched to the slide projector. It defined NOUN as “a word that names a person, place, thing, or idea.”

Back to the video screen:

MRS. STEWART: How can we demonstrate what a noun is?

FRASQUITA: Have a boy pose nude.

MERCEDES: And have Maddy make a sketch.

FRASQUITA: And then we’ll call the sketch a nude.

MRS. STEWART: Good idea! Maddy, is that all right with you?

[Maddy nods.]

MRS. STEWART: And I need a boy to volunteer. [pause] Boys, don’t be shy. [pause] Ariel, you look like a nice model, and your name was the first in the alphabet anyway. Ariel, while you get your clothes off, I’ll get everything set up.

[Mrs. Stewart closes the classroom door, closes the window shades, sets the video camera, and sets the spotlight. Ariel takes off his shoes, sets them on the floor, takes off his socks, and tucks them in one of his shoes. He then pauses for further instruction.]

Are you having trouble getting started? Here, I’ll help you. [walks over to Ariel]

I see you have a slip-over T-shirt on. Hold up your arms so we can get your T-shirt off.

[Ariel holds up his arms. Mrs. Stewart pulls up on the short sleeves, pulls the T-shirt over his head, and pulls the T-shirt off his arms. Mrs. Stewart folds Ariel’s T-shirt and lays it on a table.]

My, don’t you have nice chest muscles! Let’s get your jeans off so we can have a look at your leg muscles.

[Ariel stands up. Mrs. Stewart unbuckles Ariel’s belt, unzips his jeans, and pulls his jeans down to his feet.]

Now if you will sit down and hold out your feet so I can get your jeans off.

[Ariel sits down and holds out his feet. Mrs. Stewart pulls his jeans all the way off. Mrs. Stewart folds up Ariel’s jeans and lays them on the table. Ariel stands up. He is now left in his white underwear.]

My, my, my! Aren’t you a splendid specimen! I bet you look nice in a swim suit!

ABIGAIL: He does. You should see him at the Community Center. He can swim the length of the swimming pool.

MRS. STEWART: And they made him wear a swimsuit?

ABIGAIL: Yes.

MRS. STEWART: They shouldn’t do that. Ariel, I think you will look perfect once I yank that piece of cloth off.

[Mrs. Stewart pulls his underwear down to the floor. Ariel lifts one foot and Mrs. Stewart moves his underwear out of the way of that one foot. Ariel lifts the other foot and Mrs. Stewart moves his underwear out of the way of the other foot. Mrs. Stewart adds Ariel’s underwear to the clothes on the table.] Splendid! If I had a boy your age, I would want him to look exactly like you. Now stand on the platform so everybody can see you.

[Ariel mounts the platform.]

MRS. STEWART: Fine. Now stand absolutely still and don’t move a muscle.

[Mrs. Stewart goes to the video camera and turns it on, turns the spotlight on, then goes to the light switch on the wall and turns it off.]

Maddy, we would like for you to draw a picture of this fine specimen. Is there enough light for you?

MADDY’S VOICE: Yes, I’m okay.

[Ariel is standing motionless in the spotlight while the girls’ voices are heard.]

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: Hey, Ariel, I thought Mrs. Stewart said don’t move a muscle!

MERCEDES’S VOICE: Yeah! He’s exercising his ischiocavernosus!

ISIS’S VOICE: That’s okay, Ariel. Your penis looks very nice either way.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Doesn’t Ariel have nice body?

ISIS’S VOICE: He sure does, and he especially has nice arms. Maddy’s nude will show nice arms.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: And nice legs too. Maddy’s nude will show nice legs.

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: I always like to see boys with their shirts off, because I like to look at their naked boobies.

MERCEDES’S VOICE: I do too, and I like to see boys with those shortie shorts on because I like to look at their bare legs. I wish more boys wore shorts like that.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Ariel looked so nice at the Community Center pool, with his bare arms and his bare legs and bare shoulders and bare chest and bare nipples, but I always wanted to see his bare penis.

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: But you never got to see his bare penis—until now. Right?

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: No, I got to see a few other penises, though. There was a mom who brought a little boy in the girls’ locker room so she could take his clothes off. Some of the girls who were undressing went running and screaming. So the boy said, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a boy before?” But I never saw Ariel’s penis. I like his penis.

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: It looks like his penis likes you too.

[A diagonal wipe reveals the classroom with the lights back on, revealing a class of mirthful girls and sullen-faced boys. Maddy is holding a sketchbook upon which appears nude pencil drawing of Ariel.]

[Diagonal wipe. Lights are back on, and Jason is seen crying. Isis approaches Jason with a tender hug. Frasquita and Mercedes walk over.]

FRASQUITA [with mock affection]: What’s the matter, Jason?

MERCEDES: Yeah, what’s the matter, Jason? We were looking at Ariel’s body, not yours!

ISIS: [looking sternly at Frasquita and Mercedes] Stay out of this! Both of you!

/// adjective

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector and spoke to the gathering. “Every day, I review what was covered the previous day. In this case, I am making sure they remember the word ‘noun.’

Mrs. Stewart started the video projector again.

MRS. STEWART: What word did we learn yesterday?

ALL GIRLS: Noun!

MRS. STEWART: I made a copy of Maddy’s drawing. [holds up her copy] How can we describe this drawing using a noun?

ALL GIRLS: It’s a nude!

MRS. STEWART: Very good!

Mrs. Stewart switched to the slide projector. The next title card defined ADJECTIVE as “a word that describes a noun.”

Mrs. Stewart started the video projector again.

MRS. STEWART: We learned yesterday what a noun is. “Ariel” is a noun, because “Ariel” is the name of a person. What is a word that can describe Ariel?

ALL GIRLS: Ariel is nude!

MRS. STEWART: Very good! How can we demonstrate “nude” as an adjective?

FRASQUITA: Have Ariel do it again. Only this time, we’ll think about what an adjective is instead of a noun.

MRS. STEWART: Good idea! Maddy, are you ready to draw another sketch?

[Maddy nods.]

[A diagonal wipe shows Ariel posing nude on the platform again, with the ceiling light turned off and the spotlight turned on.]

ISIS’S VOICE: Some mommies might like for their children to be nude so they can get plenty of Vitamin D. [pause] Also, some mommies take nude pictures of their children every year or so to keep record of how well they grow. [pause] And some mommies like for their children to be nude so the children can feel better about their bodies. And that’s how we want Ariel to feel. So let’s act like we think Ariel is beautiful.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Act? Who needs to act!

ISIS’S VOICE: A mother of a girl might see this differently from a mother of a boy. Because they carry two different instincts. A mother of a girl sometimes wants her daughter to see and meet lots and lots of nude boys, especially good-looking boys. So a mother of a girl might want her daughter to meet Ariel.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Why do girl-mothers feel differently from boy-mothers?

ISIS’S VOICE: Because those two instincts carry an Evolutionary function.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: But Evolution is a Satanic lie.

MADDY’S VOICE: That’s right. God created Adam and Eve.

ISIS’S VOICE: If you say so.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: How do you think Ariel’s mother would react?

ISIS’S VOICE: No question of that! If I were Ariel’s mother and I had the picture which Maddy is drawing, I’d have it printed it printed up for greeting cards for May Day, Groundhog Day, Columbus Day, Sadie Hawkins Day—Abigail, I bet your mother would really flip, too.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Why?

ISIS’S VOICE: You have a little sister, right?

ABIGAIL V.O: Right.

ISIS’S VOICE: And Ariel has a little sister, right?

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Right.

ISIS’S VOICE: And your mom and Ariel’s mom run a day care center in which both of those girls are enrolled, right?

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Right.

ISIS’S VOICE: Let me tell you something else about little-girl mothers: they love for their nude boys to show their little girls how the machinery operates.

I have a boy cousin on a nude swim team. They hold nude meets which are open to the public. At one meet, he went up to the bleachers to talk to his girlfriend and her family during a race in which he wasn’t busy. His girlfriend had a little sister who played with his penis until he ejaculated all over the next three rows of bleachers.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: I bet that was embarrassing.

ISIS’S VOICE: He was embarrassed. But his girlfriend’s mother thought the whole thing was cute, so everybody else thought it was cute too.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: And you think Ariel’s mom and my mom are going to drag Ariel into the day care center?

ISIS’S VOICE: I betcha. Let’s just hope the kids don’t squirt Ariel’s juice all over the playground.

[A diagonal wipe reveals the classroom with the lights back on, again showing Maddy with her sketch book and a fresh nude pencil drawing.]

MRS. STEWART: So now we all have an idea of how “nude” is used as a noun. Maddy, I see you have another drawing for us.

MADDY: Mrs. Stewart, I also have another idea. Could you give me until tomorrow?

MRS. STEWART: Why, certainly, Maddy. I will be anxious to see what your idea is.

[A diagonal wipe shows Maddy leading Luke onto the platform. Luke is wearing gloves, a long-sleeve shirt, long trousers, and a paper sack on his head. Mrs. Stewart turns on the spotlight and sets the camera. The other class members cooperate in closing the door and closing the window shades.]

MADDY: Luke, I would like to see some facial display.

[Luke takes off the paper sack and lays it on the floor in open position.]

That’s good. Now can we have a little manual display.

[Luke takes off the gloves and puts them in the paper sack.]

That’s a good boy. Next we would like some pedal display.

[Luke takes off his shoes and leaves them on the floor.

He takes off his socks and puts them inside his shoes.]

Now could we have some brachial display?

[Luke takes off the long-sleeve shirt and puts it in the paper sack.

That leaves an undershirt which was underneath.]

Thank you very much. Now let’s have some pectoral display.

[Luke takes off the undershirt and puts it in the paper sack.]

Perfect. Now a little femoral display would be nice.

[Luke takes off the long trousers and puts them in the paper sack.

He is now wearing only undershorts.]

And finally, let’s have some genital display.

[Luke takes off the undershorts and puts them in the paper sack.]

Thank you, Luke.

MRS. STEWART [smiling]: And thank YOU, Maddy. That was a very good demonstration on how adjectives are used.

/// adverb

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector and spoke to the gathering. “Here we are on the next day of school. Here, I have a new word for them, but I also make sure they remember the word ‘adjective.’”

Mrs. Stewart started the video projector again.

MRS. STEWART: What word did we learn yesterday?

ALL GIRLS: Adjective!

MRS. STEWART: [holds up a copy of Maddy’s second portrait] And how did we describe this drawing using an adjective?

ALL GIRLS: Ariel is nude!

MRS. STEWART: That’s right. And now we have a new word.

Back to the slide projector. The next title card defined ADVERB as “a word that describes a word other than noun.”

Back to the video clip:

MRS. STEWART: And how can we describe this picture using an adverb?

ALL GIRLS: Ariel poses nude!

MRS. STEWART: Very good! How can we demonstrate “nude” as an adverb?

FRASQUITA: Have Ariel do it again. Only this time, he’ll remind us what an adverb is instead of an adjective.

MRS. STEWART: Good idea! Maddy, are you ready to draw another sketch?

[Maddy nods. A diagonal wipe shows Ariel posing a third time.]

MADDY’S VOICE: Abigail, I like to look at naked boys, but do you think it’s sinful?

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: I don’t know. The Torah doesn’t say anything about nudity. Leviticus says you can’t uncover your parents’ nakedness. It doesn’t say anything about uncovering the nakedness of your male classmates. How about you, Maddy? Do YOU think what we’re doing is right?

MADDY’S VOICE: I’m not sure. The only verse I know is First Timothy chapter two verse nine:” I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety.” It doesn’t say anything about men and boys.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: So boys can pose nude for us, but we can’t pose nude for them, right?

MADDY’S VOICE: Yes, I think I can live with that. But is it psychologically healthy for us to want to look at boys posing nude?

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: I don’t know. All I know is a joke about a girl whose parents sent her to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist showed her an ink blot and asked, “What do you see?”

The girl said, “That’s a boy standing nude.”

The psychiatrist showed her another ink blot and asked, “What do you see?”

The girl said, “That’s a boy standing nude.”

For a third time, the psychiatrist showed her an ink blot and asked, “What do you see?”

The girl said, “That’s a boy standing nude.”

The psychiatrist said, “Hmm, looks like you have a dirty mind.”

The girl said, “What are YOU talking about? You’re the one showing the dirty pictures!”

[The class laughs.]

[A diagonal wipe reveals the classroom with the lights back on, again showing Maddy with her sketch book and a fresh nude pencil drawing.]

MRS. STEWART [smiling]: So now you all had practice in using the word “nude” as an adverb!

/// adverbs of degree

The next title card defined ADVERB OF DEGREE as “an adverb which modifies an adjective, verb, or other adverb to indicate the intensity or extent of an action or quality.”

“The class now knew what an adverb was, so now we could build on what they already knew. You may remember the term “scaffolding” from your college days.

“Frasquita and Mercedes decided to give a demonstration.”

Mrs. Stewart showed the next slide on the slide projector. The slide showed Koen standing on the platform fully clothed. The caption read “Koen is not nude.”

The next slide showed a barefoot and shirtless Koen. The words underneath read “Koen is partly nude.”

The third slide in the series showed Koen in his underwear. This shot was described as “Koen is almost nude.”

In the last slide, Koen had had his underwear removed. The caption read “Koen is completely nude.”

Mrs. Stewart quipped, “See what you can do with a little scaffolding?”

/// clichés

The next title card defined CLICHÉ as “an overused phrase.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “That’s how I defined the term to the English class one day. They only responded with vacant stares. So I gave examples: ‘the whole nine yards,’ ‘turn over a new leaf,’ ‘a horse of a different color.’

“Frasquita and Mercedes went to work again. Here’s their next masterpiece.”

The video screen showed Koen standing on the platform, fully dressed, with the one girl on each side.

FRASQUITA: Take a look at our friend here. Some clichés might come to mind: “an eye for detail,” “a nose for news,” “an ear for music,” and “word of mouth.’

MERCEDES: Koen, could you hold out your hands, please? [Koen holds out his hands.]

Folks, think of all the times you’ve heard a person. say “on hand,” “a helping hand,” “to hand in an assignment.” Koen, would you mind taking your shoes and socks off? [Koen takes his shoes and socks off.] Thank you.

FRASQUITA: Now you see that our friend Koen is able to “foot the bill.” You have probably heard an unpleasant person called a “real heel,” as if heels were something unpleasant, but we like all of Koen, including his heels. And now, Koen, could you take your shirt off? [Koen takes off his shirt.] Thank you.

MERCEDES: You see where we get a “chest of drawers,” and a very fine chest it is!

FRASQUITA: And doesn’t Koen have beautiful arms! If the “arm of the law” is anything like Koen’s arms, you’d better watch out!

MERCEDES: Could you please raise your arms, Koen? [Koen raises his arms.] Thank you. People say “a real armpit” to describe anything they don’t like, but we like all of Koen, armpits and all. Koen, we would like for you to turn around now. [Koen turns around.]

FRASQUITA: Here you see that our friend can “shoulder the responsibility.” You also see where we get expressions like “back-up files” and “back-up plans.” Koen, could you please turn around again? [Koen turns around.]

MERCEDES: Now if you don’t mind, we would like for you to take your trousers off. [Koen takes off his trousers.] Now that the class can see what nice-looking legs you have, I am sure that they understand where we get a “leg of a table” or a “leg of a chair.” Now can you please turn around again? [Koen turns around.]

FRASQUITA: Thank you. Now could you take off your underwear so the audience can see what a nice rump you have? [Koen takes off his underwear.] Thank you.

MERCEDES: We don’t understand why people give butts such bad publicity, either. As for us, we like Koen from A to Z. Now could you please turn around so the audience can see your genitals? [Koen turns around.] Thank you.

FRASQUITA: Did you know that the word “orchid” means “testicles,” because that’s what it looks like? We think that’s quite appropriate, because Koen’s testicles are as beautiful as any flower in the garden.

[Koen embraces Frasquita with one arm and Mercedes with the other.]

MERCEDES: So those are the bare facts!

FRASQUITA: And that’s the naked truth!

/// proper noun/common noun

Mrs. Stewart spoke to the audience. “You remember that we started the school year by talking about nouns. Now we’ll learn a little bit more about nouns.”

The next title card defined PROPER NOUN as “a name used for an individual person, place, or organization, spelled with initial capital letters.”

The title card after that defined COMMON NOUN as “a word that names a class of persons, places, things, or ideas as opposed to an individual.”

Mrs. Stewart started the video projector.

MRS. STEWART: What are some proper nouns that you see in this room?

FRASQUITA: Koen, Jeffrey, Ariel, Luke, and Jason.

MRS. STEWART: And what are some common nouns that you see?

MERCEDES: Boy, boy, boy, boy, and boy.

MRS. STEWART: And how can we illustrate these proper and common nouns?

FRASQUITA: Take a picture of each one and add a caption that says “Koen is a boy,” “Jeffrey is a boy . . .”

MRS. STEWART: That’s not a bad idea. Ariel has posed for us three times already, but I don’t think he’ll mind doing it again.

MERCEDES: We can understand the lesson better, though, if we actually see that Koen is a boy, Jeffrey is a boy, and so on.

MRS. STEWART: I think you have a good point there. Boys, you see that door over there? It leads to a locker room. We will wait a minute while you hang your clothes in the lockers and come right back.

[The boys leave the room.]

[A diagonal wipe shows the boys returning, nude. Koen looks confident. Jeffrey looks as if nothing unusual is taking place. Ariel appears less self-conscious than before. Luke appears somewhat self-conscious. Stergbios, who is smaller and less mature physically than the other boys, straggles in last, looking unhappy. He is holding one hand over the crotch area. Isis approaches Jason and kneels down to his level.]

ISIS: Whatcha got there, Jason? Can I have a look? [takes his hand and moves it away from the crotch area] Oooooh! That’s beautiful! [puts one hand on his back and pats his tummy with the other hand] Jason, I know you don’t like that we’re going to see you. But it’s good for you. Every boy needs to show girls how he looks, and every girl needs to see how boys look. So you have nothing to worry about. I like the way you look and I wouldn’t want you to look any other way. [plants a baby kiss on Jason’s cheek]

[Frasquita and Mercedes approach Jason.]

FRASQUITA [in a catty tone of voice]: Awww, what’s the matter, Jason? Are you scared?

MERCEDES [in a catty tone of voice]: Awww, you poor baby!

ISIS: Stop it! Both of you!

MRS. STEWART: Maddy, I see you have your sketch pad. I am going to take photographs, but it would also be nice if you could make sketches.

MADDY: I’ll have to do them in black and white, though. I don’t have a dark enough red for Jason’s face and I don’t have just the right shade for Jeffrey’s even suntan.

Mrs. Stewart switched from the video projector to the slide projector. Each of Maddy’s portraits was shown, and each with caption such as “Koen is a boy” or “Jeffrey is a boy.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “I realize that we as teachers are not mental health professionals, but we need to take our students’ emotional needs into consideration. And we cannot meet those emotional needs without addressing every boy’s need to show his body. Clothes were instituted by civilization a long time ago, but that did not change any male instincts. The men and boys in our species have been coping with that frustration ever since. That is why every businessman wears a necktie. That is why every nobleman carries a scepter. That is why every sorcerer carries a magic wand. That is why an orchestra conductor carries a baton.”

/// ambiguity

The next title card defined AMBIGUITY as “the quality of being open to more than one interpretation.”

On the next video clip:

MRS. STEWART: Can anyone give an example of an ambiguity?

ABIGAIL: In the movie “Animal Crackers,” Groucho Marx returns from a hunting trip. He says, “One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don’t know.”

MRS. STEWART: That’s a good example.

ABIGAIL: The president of a university once stood in front of all the students and said, “The Dean of Women and I have decided to stop necking on the campus.”

MRS. STEWART: That’s another good example. Can anyone give an example which we could demonstrate here in class?

ABIGAIL [looking puzzled]: There’s something I’m confused about. When we saw the boys with their clothes off, I remember Ariel and Luke have one penis. But my memory is kinda hazy. I’m not sure whether they had one penis each or one penis shared between them.

MADDY [also looking puzzled]: You know, I don’t remember very clearly either, but I remember a little differently. I thought they had TWO penises. But I’m not sure whether they had two penises each or two penises total. Do you remember, Mrs. Stewart?

MRS. STEWART [also looking puzzled]: I’m afraid I don’t. I’d hate for you two to get into an argument, so we will have to send Ariel and Luke to the locker room and come back in so we can all have a good look.

[Exeunt Ariel and Luke.]

Mrs. Stewart showed eight slides. The next slide read, “How many penises do Ariel and Luke have? Let’s take a careful look at this problem.”

The next slide showed Abigail holding up one finger. A speech balloon read, “Ariel and Luke have one penis.”

The slide after that read, “Is that one penis each or one penis shared between the two?”

The next slide showed Maddy holding up two fingers. A speech balloon read, “Ariel and Luke have two penises.”

“Is that two penises each or two penises total?”

“Let’s take their clothes off and find out.”

After that, the audience saw Ariel and Luke standing on the platform nude. The caption read, “Abigail was right in a way. Ariel and Luke have one penis each.”

The last slide showed the same illustration, but with a caption reading, “Maddy was right in a way. Ariel and Luke have two penises total.”

Mrs. Stewart held up one finger. “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you: Maddy drew a couple of pictures to avoid getting confused herself.” Mrs. Stewart clicked the slide projector again. “Here is Maddy’s close-up of Ariel’s penis.” Mrs. Stewart clicked the slide projector again. “Here is Maddy’s close-up of Ariel’s penis.”

/// compound sentence

The next title card defined a COMPOUND SENTENCE as “a sentence with two or more independent clauses.”

On the video screen:

MRS. STEWART: Who can give me a good example?

ABIGAIL: A guy and a girl were on a hayride. The girl said, “Nobody loves me and my hands are cold.” The guy said, “God loves you and you can sit on your hands.”

MRS. STEWART [smiling]: Thank you, Abigail. Those are TWO examples! Is there any way we can apply compound sentences to what we see in this class?

[Abigail and Maddy hold a whispered conference.]

ABIGAIL: It’s a good thing today’s Friday. Give us until Monday.

[A diagonal wipe reveals a slide show created by Abigail and Maddy. We see illustrations by Maddy and we hear Abigail’s voice-over.]

[A title card shows the following:

Conjunction

A

B

Therefore, A and B]

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Conjunction. A is true. B is true. Therefore, A and B are true. Dogs are animals. Cats are animals. Therefore, dogs and cats are animals.

[The next card shows a nude drawing of Ariel.] Ariel is nude.

[The next card shows a nude drawing of Luke.] Luke is nude.

[The next card shows a nude drawing of Ariel on the left and a nude drawing of Luke on the right. There is a large dot between the two drawings.]

Therefore, Ariel is nude and Luke is nude.

[A title card shows the following:

Simplification

A and B

Therefore, A]

Simplification. A and B are true. Therefore, A is true. Dogs and cats are animals. Therefore, dogs are animals.

[The next card shows a nude drawing of Ariel on the left and a nude drawing of Luke on the right. There is a large dot between the two drawings.]

Ariel is nude and Luke is nude.

[The next card shows Ariel nude.]

Therefore, Ariel is nude.

[A title card shows the following:

ADDITION

A

Therefore, A or B]

Addition in a form of logical reasoning that say that A is true. Therefore, A or B is true. Dogs are animals. Therefore, either dogs or cats are animals.

[The next card shows a nude drawing of Luke.] Luke is nude.

[The next card shows the same drawing on the left and Santa Claus on the right. There is a large letter V between the two drawings.]

Therefore, either Luke is nude or Santa Claus is real.

[The next title card shows the following:

DISJUNCTIVE SYLLOGISM

A or B

Not A

Therefore B]

Disjunctive syllogism. Either A is true or B is true. A is not true. Therefore B is true. I’ll choose either a hot dog or a hamburger. I won’t choose a hot dog. Therefore, I’ll choose a hamburger.

[The next card shows Santa Claus on the left and a nude drawing of Ariel on the right. There is a large letter V between the two drawings.]

Either Santa Claus is real or Ariel is nude.

[The next card shows the same drawing of Santa Claus, but crossed out.]

Santa Claus is not real.

[The next card shows a nude drawing of Ariel.]

Therefore, Ariel is nude. That is all we have for you today.

[The class applauds.]

Mrs. Stewart told the crowd in the auditorium, “So there you have it! A logical demonstration of how a compound sentence functions!”

/// negatives

The next definition card defined NEGATIVE as “the use of words or particles to indicate that something is untrue, not happening, or does not have a certain quality.”

On the video:

LUKE: “Quoth the Raven, Nevermore.”

MRS. STEWART: That’s a good example of a negative. Can anyone think of how we can demonstrate a negative in this class?

[Frasquita looks Mercedes. Mercedes nods.]

FRASQUITA: Give us till tomorrow. We’ll have something worked up.

[A diagonal wipe shows the two girls facing a fully dressed Koen on the platform.]

MRS. STEWART’S VOICE: Wow, you two girls really love to look at Koen, don’t you!

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: We sure do.

MERCEDES’S VOICE: We schedule our medical visits together so we can go in the doctor’s office with him.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Where’s that, at the veterinary hospital?

[The rest of the class laughs.]

[After a diagonal wipe, Frasquita, Mercedes. and Koen are seen stepping up onto the platform.]

FRASQUITA: You know, Koen, we’ve been taking a good look at you and we decided that you’re not dressing quite right. We’d like to do something about it.

MERCEDES: That’s right. He doesn’t really need those shoes. He might look better with just his socks. [Koen takes his shoes off. Frasquita and Mercedes shake their heads.]

FRASQUITA [with mock seriousness]: No, that’s still not quite right. He doesn’t really need those socks either. He might look better barefoot. [Koen takes his socks off.]

MERCEDES: [scratching her head] That’s not what we’re driving at either. That shirt is out of style, so maybe he’d better take it off. [Koen takes his shirt off.]

FRASQUITA: [stroking her chin with her hand] That’s a little better, but there’s still something wrong. Those jeans don’t look right. They gotta go. [Koen takes off his jeans.]

MERCEDES: He looks a lot better now, don’t you think, Frasquita?

FRASQUITA: Yes, he does. If he came to school every day dressed like he is now, he’d look a lot better and the teachers would be pleased. But I still have a feeling that there is something else which needs to be changed. That underwear doesn’t suit his personality. It’s gotta go, too. [Koen takes off his underwear.]

FRASQUITA and MERCEDES: That’s perfect!

Mrs. Stewart told the audience, “And that was a perfect demonstration of what a negative is!

/// double negatives

The next title card defined a DOUBLE NEGATIVE as “the use of two words conveying untruth in the same clause.”

In the following video clip:

MRS. STEWART: You must be careful when you use two negatives, or any other even number of negatives, in the same statement. If you do, those negatives will cancel each other out and produce an affirmative. If you say, “I didn't go nowhere today,” you are really saying, “I went somewhere today.”

Let’s use that as an example. If you say, “I went somewhere today,” that’s an affirmative.

If you say, “I didn’t go anywhere today,” that’s a single negative.

If you say, “I didn’t go nowhere today,” that’s a double negative. It means, “I went somewhere today.”

If you say, “It is not true that I didn’t go nowhere today,” that’s a triple negative. It means, “I didn’t go anywhere today.”

If you say, “It is not false that I didn’t go nowhere today,” that’s a quadruple negative. It means, “I went somewhere today.”

How can we demonstrate all these negatives in this class?

MERCEDES: Have a boy pose nude while we say in all these negatives that he’s nude.

FRASQUITA: Yeah! Put Koan up there!

MERCEDES: Frasquita, I had Jeffrey in mind!

FRASQUITA: But I like to look at Koan!

MERCEDES: I don’t care. I do too, but Jeffrey hasn’t gotten to do his share of posing.

FRASQUITA: But—you know.

MERCEDES: But you call all the shots? No, you don’t call all the shots. That’s a single negative. It is not false that you don’t call all the shots. That’s a triple negative.

[A diagonal wipe shows Jeffrey posing nude on the platform with the spotlight turned on Jeffrey.]

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: Jeffrey is nude.

MRS. STEWART’S VOICE: That is an affirmative, so it’s true.

MERCEDES’S VOICE: Jeffrey is not nude.

MRS. STEWART’S VOICE: That is a single negative, so it’s false.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: It is not true that Jeffrey is not nude.

MRS. STEWART’S VOICE: That is a double negative, so it’s true.

MADDY’S VOICE: It is not false that Jeffrey is not nude.

MRS. STEWART’S VOICE: That is a triple negative, so it’s false.

ISIS’S VOICE: It is not false to deny that Jeffrey is not nude.

MRS. STEWART’S VOICE: That is a quadruple negative, so it’s true.

[A diagonal wipe shows the classroom with the lights back on.]

ISIS: Now that we’re balancing the books, we oughta give Jason a turn. He hasn’t gotten to do his share of posing either.

MRS. STEWART: That’s a good idea, Isis.

[A diagonal wipe shows Jason posing nude on the platform with the spotlight turned on Jason.]

ISIS’S VOICE: Jason is nude. That is an affirmative, so it’s true.

MADDY’S VOICE: Jason is not nude. That is a single negative, so it’s false.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: It is not true that Jason is not nude. That is a double negative, so it’s true.

MERCEDES’S VOICE: It is not false that Jason is not nude. That is a triple negative, so it’s false.

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: It is not false to deny that Jason is not nude. That is a quadruple negative, so it’s true.

Mrs. Stewart stopped the video projector and spoke to the gathering. “And so the pattern continued with for every boy in the class. And it is not false to deny that girls did not get thoroughly tongue-tangled.”

/// holonym/meronym

Mrs. Stewart read the next two title cards. A HOLONYM was defined as “a term that denotes a whole, a part of which is denoted by a second term.”

A MERONYM was defined as “a term that denotes a part of something else.”

On the next video clip:

MRS. STEWART: “tree” is a holonym of “leaf,” “branch,” and “trunk.” “leaf,” “branch,” and “trunk” are meronyms.

“house” is a holonym of “roof,” “doors,” and “windows.” “roof,” “doors,” and “windows” are meronyms.

JASON: “holo-” means “whole,” “-nym” means “name,” and “mero-” means “fraction.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Jason. What is a holonym here in this classroom that we can use as an example?

FRASQUITA: Koen! We could ask Koen to show us all his treasured meronyms.

MRS. STEWART: But you’ve been overworking that poor fellow!

ABIGAIL: Ariel, then!

MRS. STEWART: But we used Ariel three times already.

ABIGAIL: That’s okay. He’s had a good rest. Maddy says she has been having trouble drawing pictures of Ariel. There’s just a few things she still hasn’t gotten right. Isn’t that right, Maddy! [Maddy nods.]

[Mrs. Stewart closes the classroom door, closes the window shades, sets the video camera, and sets the spotlight. Ariel leaves for the locker room and returns nude. Ariel mounts the platform and Mrs. Stewart sets the camera. While the girls are naming meronyms, Ariel poses front, rear, and profile.]

GIRLS’S VOICE: face . . . neck . . .hair . . . arms . . . feet . . . toes . . . hands . . . fingers . . . penis . . . genitals . . . back . . . buttocks . . . shoulders . . . torso . . .

[A diagonal wipe shows the same classroom with the lights turned back on. Maddy is shown with drawings of Ariel as seen from every angle.]

Mrs. Stewart stopped the projector and spoke to the audience. “So Ariel was our trusty holonym and we took a look at his many meronyms. And in case you didn’t notice, Ariel was nude.”

/// rhyme

The following title card defined RHYME as “correspondence of sound between the endings of words.”

In the following video clip:

JASON: The word used to mean “measured flow or movement.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Sergios. Class, can someone give an example of a rhyme?

RUAN: When they passed out the heads, you thought they said heads, so you said, “Give me a soft one.”

FRASQUITA: When they passed out the brains, you thought they said trains, so you said, “I’ll take a slow one.”

MERCEDES: When they passed out the noses, you thought they said noses, so you said, “Give me a big red one.”

RUAN: When they passed out the—

MRS. STEWART: [holding out a restraining hand] That’s enough. I think we all get the point. Let’s all of us look for rhymes for one word. What word do you suggest?

FRASQUITA: “Penis!”

MRS. STEWART: Fine. What rhymes with “penis?”

FRASQUITA: “Cleanness.”

MERCEDES: “Freeness.”

ABIGAIL: “Genus.”

MADDY: “Venus.” You can use either the planet or the goddess.

LUKE: Use the goddess. I wanna see Botticelli’s painting of Venus coming out of the sea foam.

MADDY [feigning shock]: Luke! You mean you wanna look at a naked woman?

LUKE: You bet I do!

MADDY [with mock affection]: Why, Luke! I’m ashamed of you!

ISIS: “Salinas.” That’s a city in California.

MRS. STEWART: And how do you propose that we demonstrate these rhymes?

FRASQUITA: A full-length shot of Ruan on the left and a close-up on the right. The caption reads, “Ruan has a penis—”

MERCEDES: Then the rhyming word presented in an illustration on the next card. The caption reads, “and that rhymes with cleanness.”

FRASQUITA: Be sure to use every boy’s name.

MERCEDES: Yeah. The boy’s gonna get his feelings hurt if he doesn’t get recognized.

MRS. STEWART: Fine. If there’s no more discussion, I think we’re ready for the boys to go to the locker room.

[The boys exit the classroom.]

Mrs. Stewart addressed the gathering. “So! I took the photographs of the boys that day, and we wrapped it all up the next day. So here are the slides!

“‘Koen has a penis—

“—and that rhymes with ‘cleanness.’’ Here are Koen’s two lady friends, giving a nice thorough washing of Koen’s endowment.

“‘Jeffrey has a penis—

“—and that rhymes with ‘freeness.’’ Here is a US flag.

“‘Ariel has a penis—

“—and that rhymes with ‘genus.’’ Here you see the differences between a rabbit and a hare.

“‘Luke has a penis—

“—and that rhymes with ‘Venus.’’ Luke had to spell Botticelli’s name for me.

“‘Jason has a penis—

“—and that rhymes with ‘Salinas.’’ Here you see an aerial view.

After showing the slides, Mrs. Stewart beamed proudly. “Isn’t that just super-duper?”

/// verb of possession

The next title card defined VERB OF POSSESSION as “a verb indicating ownership or control.”

Mrs. Stewart switched to the video projector.

MRS. STEWART: How can we demonstrate a verb of possession?

[Abigail and Maddy have a whispered conference.]

ABIGAIL: Maddy and I have a suggestion. I think the girls should regard the boys as real people and not just objects, don’t you, Maddy? [Maddy nods.]

We should show interest in how they feel, what they think, and what they do outside the classroom. Do you agree? [Maddy nods.]

So how about holding a show-and-tell session for the boys! Each boy will pose, holding a favorite gift which he received during the holiday season.

[The other girls voice their agreement.]

ISIS: And each boy will pose nude.

[The other girls voice their agreement.]

KOEN: The best gifts I’ve ever had are Frasquita and Mercedes.

MRS. STEWART: How about the rest of you? Have you chosen your favorite gifts?

[The other boys nod.]

MRS. STEWART: We can do this tomorrow, Abigail.

JASON: But why nude?

ISIS: Because you’re a boy. I’m glad you’re a boy and I like for you to keep me reminded that you’re a boy.

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector and told the audience, “We took the photographs the next day.”

The next slide showed Koen proudly posing with the two girls. “Koen has two lovely lady friends—

“Jeffrey has a birdfeeder—

“Ariel has a brightly colored tzedaah box—

“Luke has a rosary—

“and Jason has a Raggedy Andy doll.”

Mrs. Stewart stopped the projector and added a comment. “And Mrs. Stewart’s class has five delightful boys!

“This exercise is one of my favorites because it states that nudity does not have to be explained. There is no figure of speech using ‘nude,’ there is no word play on ‘penis,’ there is none of the usual rationalizing. Boys are boys, and that is a good enough reason for seeing them as boys.”

/// antithesis

The next title card defined ANTITHESIS as “the placing of opposite things or ideas next to one another to highlight their contrast.”

In the next video clip:

JASON: “anti-” means “opposite” and “-thesis” means “placing.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Jason. An example of an antithesis is “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” Can anyone give me another example?

LUKE: How about “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.” That comes from Alexander Pope.

FRASQUITA: I thought Elvis said that.

LUKE: Well, yes, but Elvis borrowed the quote from Alexander Pope.

MRS. STEWART: Can we make some examples from this classroom?

FRASQUITA: We’ve been seeing a lot of naked penises lately. That’s nice, but I’d like a little variety. I’d like to see some naked bottoms every once in a while.

MERCEDES: I would too.

FRASQUITA: Jason gets to show his cute little rump more than anyone else, and I bet the other guys are getting jealous.

MERCEDES: I bet they are too.

FRASQUITA: Why don’t you shoot two pictures of each boy, one from in front, and one from behind, and each one of us will make up an anti- whatever you call it, for each boy.

MRS. STEWART: That’s a fine idea!

[The boys leave the room.]

Mrs. Stewart showed the next ten slides, reading the captions: “Here comes Koen!” “There goes Koen!” “Jeffrey brought in these next two. Jeffrey going in the pond.” “Jeffrey coming out of the pond.” “Das iz Aryal in frant.” “Das iz Aryal in hintn.” “Hoc est Lucas in fronte.” “Hoc est Lucas in tergo.” “Jason is cute on this side.” “Jason is cute on that side.”

Mrs. Stewart added one final comment: “And those are five beautiful boys, any way you look at them!”

/// hyperbole

The next title card defined the word HYPERBOLE. Mrs. Stewart said, “A hyperbole is nothing complicated. It is nothing more than an exaggeration.”

LUKE: “Lily, the caretaker's daughter, was literally run off her feet.”

FRASQUITA: Who’s Lily?

LUKE: A character in a short story by James Joyce. Her father is throwing a party.

FRASQUITA: Oh.

JASON: “hyper-” means “over” and “-bole” means “throw.”

FRASQUITA: Jason, we oughta throw YOU over the fence for acting so smart. [pauses and smiles] Just kidding.

MRS. STEWART: Can you think of any exaggerations we can make about the boys in this class? How about “wonderful!” “marvelous!” “fantastic!”

FRASQUITA: Those aren’t exaggerations!

MERCEDES: No, they aren’t. These boys really ARE wonderful, marvelous, and fantastic.

MRS. STEWART: Then how about comparing one of the boys, say, Koen, with Michaelangelo’s David?

FRASQUITA: That would give too much credit to Michaelangelo’s David.

MRS. STEWART: Shall we compare Jeffrey with Mowgli?

MERCEDES: No, what’s his name—Kipling—couldn’t have imagined anyone as beautiful as Jeffrey.

MRS. STEWART: Then how about Hercules, Adonis, all the male characters of Greek folklore? How do they compare with Ariel and Luke?

ABIGAIL and MADDY [in unison]: Zilch!

MRS. STEWART: Isis, how does Jason compare with Cupid?

ISIS: I’d rather see a picture of Jason on a Valentine card than a picture of Cupid.

Mrs. Stewart put the video on pause. “So! You win a few, you lose a few!”

/// irony

The next title card defined IRONY as “a statement or situation where the meaning is contradicted by the appearance or presentation of the idea.”

In the next video clip:

JASON: The word “irony” used to mean “simulated ignorance.” Only I don’t have to simulate ignorance, I really AM ignorant.

ABIGAIL: Aw, we don’t believe that, do we!

MADDY: Naaaw!

MRS. STEWART: Someone give us an example of irony.

LUKE: In “Pygmalion,” the housekeeper cautions Henry Higgens not to swear. He said, “I swear! I never swear. I detest the habit. What the devil do you mean?”

ABIGAIL: My brother keeps telling me I’m crazy, but that can’t be true because I don’t have a brother.

MRS. STEWART: That’s are good examples. Now we need a way to demonstrate irony in this classroom.

ABIGAIL: We gotta get do something about that mean and nasty Jason! Don’t you think it’s horrible the way he terrorizes all the innocent girls in this room?

MADDY: Yeah, Jason, you should be ashamed of yourself!

ABIGAIL: Especially the way he picks on Isis!

MADDY: That’s right! Poor Isis!

ABIGAIL: Mrs. Stewart, I think you should make a documentary film about the horrible way Jason treats all the weak and defenseless girls in this class! And show the rest of the world how terrible he is!

MRS. STEWART: I think you’re right, Abigail.

[A diagonal wipe shows hand slowly opening the door from the locker room to the classroom. The girls’ voices are off-camera. Terrifying music is added to the sound track.]

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Who could that be? WHAT could that be?

MADDY’S VOICE: It’s a werewolf! It’s a vampire! It’s Jason!

[Jason slowly comes out of the locker room, looking very angry. The girls run, screaming.]

[Camera cuts to the classroom, where the girls are hiding under their desks. Jason is trudging around flat-footed like a monster. He pulls Isis out from under her desk. Isis has her hands over her eyes, but Jason pulls her hands away.]

JASON: I gotcha now, Isis!

[Isis screams the loudest of all.]

Mrs. Stewart stopped the video and told the audience, “I can’t show you the rest of the video because it’s just too horrible. I don’t know what we’re going to do with that mean and vicious Jason!”

The audience laughed.

“No, seriously: this exercise had an unexpected benefit on Jason. Until this time, Jason never showed the least display of assertiveness, much less aggressiveness. He never imagined students two years older than himself treating him like anyone but a second-class citizen, even in fantasy.

“The difference showed in his behavior. His classmates saw that he had other strong feelings besides tenderness. Isis was one of the first to notice this change. She commented that ‘every Clark Kent is a Superman in disguise.’”

“I couldn’t agree more: every Clark Kent is a Superman in disguise.”

/// parallelism

The next title card defined PARALLELISM as “the repetition of a grammatical element.”

In the next video clip:

JASON: That’s easy to remember. “para—” means “beside” and the rest of the word means “each other.” Two parallel lines are parallel if they remain the same distance from each other.

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Jason. Can someone give me an example of a parallelism?

LUKE: How about “I came, I saw, I conquered”?

MRS. STEWART: Perfect! It may be more concise to say “I came, saw, and conquered,” but the way Julius Caesar said it sounds more dramatic, doesn’t it! How can we illustrate a parallelism in this class?

ABIGAIL: I think Jeffrey, Ariel, and Luke would look nice in a triple portrait.

MRS. STEWART: I think so too. Can you three boys please go to the locker room?

[A diagonal wipe shows Jeffrey, Ariel, and Luke returning nude. They mount the platform.]

ABIGAIL: You all look perfect. Jeffrey, could you stand right here, and Ariel, you stand right here not exactly next to Jeffrey, but a little bit behind him so your right shoulder is behind his left shoulder. And Luke, you do the same. Stand so that your right shoulder is behind Ariel’s left shoulder. All three of you look absolutely exquisite!

Mrs. Stewart turned off the video clip and spoke to the audience. “And I agree! They looked absolutely exquisite!”

Showing the triple portrait on a slide, Mrs. Stewart read the caption, which said, “Jeffrey is nude, Ariel is nude, Luke is nude.”

A teacher in the audience said, “They came, they saw, they conquered.” Other members of the audience voiced their agreement.

/// polysyndeton

POLYSYNDETON was the word for the next title card. Mrs. Stewart read, “the use of multiple coordinating conjunctions in close succession.”

In the next video clip:

JASON: Many bound together! “Poly-” means “many” and “-syndeton” means “bound together.”

MRS. STEWART: We just talked about a parallelism, this one is a little different. Can someone give an example of multiple coordinating conjunctions in close succession?

LUKE: “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.”

MRS. STEWART: That’s right, Luke. Can someone suggest a way that we can demonstrate a polysyndeton right here in this classroom?

ABIGAIL: This would be a perfect occasion for another triple portrait!

MRS. STEWART [smiling]: A splendid idea!

[Jeffrey leaves for the locker room, rolling his eyes. Ariel leaves, taking a deep breath. Luke leaves, groaning.]

After pausing the video projector, Mrs. Stewart showed a triple portrait similar to the one showed before, except that the caption read “Jeffrey and Ariel and Luke are nude.”

Mrs. Stewart advanced the video projector.

ABIGAIL: I liked it better the other way. Because I liked being reminded three times that the boys were nude.

MADDY: Me too. I think “nude” is the most beautiful word in the English language.

Mrs. Stewart addressed the audience, “Like I said before, you can’t win them all.”

/// oxymoron

The next title card defined OXYMORON as “a statement that appears to contradict itself.”

Mrs. Stewart showed the next video clip:

JASON: “Oxy” means “sharp” and “moron” which means “foolish.”

MRS. STEWART: You’re right on the ball, Jason. What are some examples of an oxymoron?

ARIEL: Jumbo shrimp.

LUKE: “Parting is such sweet sorrow.”

FRASQUITA [in a slow half-whisper, gradually joined by the rest of the class]: One dark day in the middle of the night, two bad boys had a fight. Back to back they faced each other, threw their swords and shot each other. The deaf policeman heard the noise and came to kill the two dead boys. And if you don’t think my take is true, ask the old blind man. He saw it too.

MRS. STEWART: Those are all good examples. When you get to be my age, “happy birthday” becomes an oxymoron. Any examples we can use in this class?

MRS. STEWART: So we came up with plenty of examples! Can you think of an example we can use in this class?

FRASQUITA: Take a picture of each boy nude. And we’ll find a way to say that the boy is nude but at the same time not nude.

MRS. STEWART: Good idea, Frasquita. You find a way to describe Koen, Mercedes, you describe Jeffrey, Abigail, you describe Ariel, Maddy, you describe Luke, and Isis, you describe Jason.

Mrs. Stewart switched to the slide projector. She showed five nude portraits with captions reading “Koen is dressed in a beautiful coat of epidermis.” “Jeffrey is in nature’s garb.” “Ariel is wearing everything God gave him.” “Luke is wearing our favorite garment: nothing!” “Jason is in his birthday suit.”

Mrs. Stewart turned to the audience and said, “And all of them are delightful rascals!”

/// synesthesia

Showing the next title card, Mrs. Stewart said, “SYNESTHESIA: the presentation of ideas, characters, or places in such a manner that they appeal to more than one sense at a given time, such as sight, hearing, taste, touch, or smell.”

On the next video clip:

JASON: “syn-” means “together,” the rest of the word means “perceive.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Jason. Class, can you come up with examples?

LUKE: In Dante’s “Inferno,” “the sun is silent.”

MRS. STEWART: That’s a good example. Can you give any other examples?

ARIEL: It’s used in advertising. Like the cereal which snaps, crackles, and pops.

MADDY: And the coffee brand that tastes as rich as it looks.

MRS. STEWART: Good examples! We all enjoy looking at the boys in the class. What other senses do the boys stimulate in us?

FRASQUITA: I like the men’s cologne which Koen wears. [Mercedes nods her head.]

ABIGAIL [whispering, to Maddy]: Oh, is THAT what that gosh-awful stench is!

MADDY [whispering]: I guess so!

MRS. STEWART: How about Jeffrey?

ABIGAIL: He sometimes comes in smelling like pine needles. [Maddy nods her head.]

MRS. STEWART [to Abigail and Maddy]: And how about Ariel and Luke?

MADDY: Luke sometimes comes in smelling like Ivory soap. [Abigail nods her head.]

MRS. STEWART: Isis, do you have anything to say about Jason?

ISIS [with Jason in her lap]: I love to pat his tummy. [patting Jason’s tummy] And I love to pat his bottom. [turning him over and patting his bottom]

MRS. STEWART: To demonstrate synesthesia, we will need for Jason to take all his clothes off so Isis can more efficiently administer her love pats. [Jason leaves for the locker room]

And Abigail and Maddy can enjoy Jeffrey’s aroma of pine needles and Luke’s aroma of Ivory soap more easily if Jeffrey and Luke take all their clothes off. [Jeffrey and Luke leave for the locker room.]

But Koen presumably wears men’s cologne only on his face, so—

FRASQUITA: Koen says he wants to take his clothes off anyway. [Marquita nods.]

MRS. STEWART: Okay, Koen, you take your clothes off too. [Koen leaves for the locker room.]

Ariel, I’m afraid we didn’t have an opportunity for you to pose this time.

ARIEL: Well, boo hoo hoo.

Mrs. Stewart switched to the slide projector. “Here is Isis enjoying the feel of Jason’s tummy.

“Here is Isis again enjoying the feel of Jason’s bottom.

“Here are Abigail and Maddy enjoying the aroma of Luke’s Ivory soap.

“Here are Abigail and Maddy again enjoying the aroma of Jeffrey’s pine needles.

“Here are Frasquita and Mercedes enjoying the smell of Koen’s men’s cologne.

“And here are Abigail and Maddy NOT enjoying the smell of Koen’s men’s cologne.”

/// homonym

According to the next title card, a HOMONYM was “each of two or more words having the same spelling or pronunciation but different meanings and origins.”

Mrs. Stewart turned on the video:

JASON: “homo-” means “same” and “-nym” means “name.”

KOEN: Jason, I guess you would know about homo’s.

JASON: Koen, I would say you suffer from homophobia, but I don’t like that word. It should mean “fear of sameness” rather than “fear of homo’s.”

Incidentally, another word I don’t like is “photogenic.” That word should mean “creating light” rather than “creating photo’s.”

KOEN: Aren’t you a genius! They oughta have you rewrite the whole dictionary!

MRS. STEWART: Boys, that’s enough. Let’s get back on topic. How can we make use of homonyms in this classroom?

[Frasquita and Mercedes whisper to each other and giggle.]

MADDY [to Abigail]: What are those two laughing at?

ABIGAIL: I don’t know. I guess the lights in the room are lightening up the mood.

MADDY: Either that or the boys in the room are buoying up the mood.

ISIS: Obviously the panes in the window aren’t creating any pain.

FRASQUITA: Mercedes and I have bear costumes left over from the last Halloween party. So guess what we want to do.

ABIGAIL: Oh, please tell us! The suspense is just unbearable!

MERCEDES: I’m willing to share my costume. How about you, Frasquita? [Frasquita nods.]

FRASQUITA: Each girl can pose as a bear, B-E-A-R, while each boy poses bare, B-A-R-E.

ABIGAIL: Fine!

MADDY: Good idea!

ISIS: Neato!

Mrs. Stewart showed the photographs which were taken the next day. “The bear’s heads were scaring Jason, so the girls posed as bears without the bear heads. Here you see that ‘Frasquita is a bear, Koen is bare.’ ‘Mercedes is a bear, Jeffrey is bare.’ ‘Abigail is a bear, Ariel is bare.’ ‘Maddy is a bear, Luke is bare.’ ‘Isis is a bear, Jason is bare.’” The last slide showed Jason joining his hands with Isis’ paws, and with Jason’s bottom prominently displayed.

“We have all seen pictures of boys skinny-dipping with other boys. Pictures of nude boys with nude girls aren’t so rare either. But pictures which we just saw are special to me because the boys are offering their nudity to the girls free of charge, asking nothing in return.”

/// homonyms revisited

Mrs. Stewart continued speaking to the audience. “Isis did a little extra work that day. She brought Jason into the classroom after school, requesting a few more pictures showing Jason’s bottom. Since the lesson was on homonyms, she reasoned, there should be a few puns confusing B-U-T with B-U-T-T, and she liked to look at Jason’s B-U-T-T. So here are some images we came up with.”

Mrs. Stewart turned to the slide projector again. The next slide showed Isis and Jason embracing, and with Jason nude and in dorsal view. The caption read, “No one can help but love Jason.”

The next slide showed Isis and Jason looking at each other affectionately, again with Jason nude and in dorsal view. The caption read, “No if’s, and’s, or but’s: Jason is a good kid!”

Before showing the next slide, Mrs. Stewart told her audience, “There was a great big downpour that day. It took a little bit of coaxing, but we persuaded Jason to go outside, play in the rain, facing the other way so we could add a caption saying, ‘It never rains but it pours.’

“We had to stand on the porch so the camera wouldn’t get wet, but I got some good shots. After a while, we called him back inside. Isis happened to have her gym towel in her bookbag, so Jason was able to dry off.”

The last slide showed Jason back inside, still nude. He is standing on the platform with his smiling face turned toward the camera. The caption read, “Last but not least, Jason is an enjoyable kid.”

/// synonym

The title slide defined a SYNONYM as “a word or phrase that means exactly or nearly the same as another word or phrase.”

JASON: “syno-” means “together” and “-nym” means “name.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Jason. Class, what are some synonyms which we hear every day?

RUAN: Sometimes I get tired of calling others students idiots, so I call them morons instead.

MRS. STEWART [laughing]: That’s a good example, Ruan. But I’d like to demonstrate synonyms in this classroom without using either of those words.

[Frasquita and Mercedes assume devilish facial expressions. The other students look at Frasquita and Mercedes and seem curious.]

MADDY: Look at Frasquita and Mercedes. They aren’t thinking about “book” and “tome” and “volume,” that’s for sure.

ABIGAIL: Or “desk” and “table.”

FRASQUITA: I’ll give you a hint. What is something that every boy has, but is known by more than one name?

ABIGAIL: Oh, I know! “Nose” and “proboscis!”

MRS. STEWART: We’re all worn out from guessing, so why don’t you tell us?

FRASQUITA: If all the boys take their clothes off, that will probably remind you.

MERCEDES: We want each boy to choose a different name for his glorious possession.

MRS. STEWART: I think I get your drift. Your idea is considerate of the boys because it allows the boys some decision-making of their own. Koen, what shall we call YOUR valuable asset?

KOEN: Something ugly and vulgar. Something that you would find spray-painted on a slum apartment building.

MRS. STEWART: Jeffrey, how about you?

JEFFREY: [shrugging his shoulders] Just call it by its usual name.

MRS. STEWART: Ariel?

ARIEL: I call it by an exotic name.

MRS. STEWART: Luke, how about you?

LUKE: Something respectful. The body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

MRS. STEWART: Jason?

JASON: My mommy always calls it by something affectionate.

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector and turned to the slide projector. “So here you have it. Koen has a prick—

“Jeffrey has a penis—

“Ariel has a phin—

“Luke has a phallus—

“and Jason has a peepee.”

///synonym revisited

Mrs. Stewart told the audience, “After this session, Frasquita had a few harsh words.” Mrs. Stewart turned back to the video projector for another video clip:

[Frasquita and Mercedes approach Mrs. Stewart, who is cleaning up the classroom.]

FRASQUITA: We need to say one thing: if Isis brings Jason in here and has you take pictures of his ass and his rump and his seat and his bum, WE’LL bring KOEN in here and have you take pictures of HIS ass and his rump and his seat and his bum!

MRS. STEWART [laughing]: All right, Frasquita, I understand.

/// etymology

The next title card defined ETYMOLOGY as “a statement of the exact meaning of a word.”

Mrs. Stewart told the audience in the auditorium, “That’s what the dictionary definition says, but that’s not exactly right. I would say that the word refers to the origin of a word, or where a word comes from.”

The video segment began with a word from Jason:

JASON: You want to know the etymology of “etymology”? “etymo-” means “true, or real.” And “-ology” means “study of.”

ABIGAIL: That’s nice, Jason. Can you give us the etymology of etymology of etymology?

JASON: No, that I’m afraid I can’t do.

MRS. STEWART: [laughs] That might be asking a little too much. But I’ve heard rumors that Jason is good at this sort of thing, though. Boys, could you please go put your clothes in the lockers?

[Boys exit the room.]

[Diagonal wipe. Boys reenter the room, nude, and take their places in the classroom.]

MRS. STEWART: We’ll start with the words you’re already familiar with. Do you know where the word “gymnasium” comes from?

[Mrs. Stewart writes “gymnasium” on the board.]

JASON: “gymn-” means “nude,” “-as-” means “training,” and “-ium” means “place.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Jason! In ancient times, a gymnasium was a place for nude training. At that time, boys exercised nude in a gymnasium.

MRS. STEWART: And you know who your gym teacher is? She is a “gyumnasiarch,” That’s what they called the head of athletics in the gymnasium.

[Mrs. Stewart writes “gymnasiarch” on the board.]

JASON: “-arch” means “chief.”

MRS. STEWART: Jason, you’re right on the ball! Have any of you heard of the Gymnosophists? They are men in India who believe in renouncing all worldly goods, and that means clothes.

[Mrs. Stewart writes “Gymnosophist” on the board.]

MRS. STEWART: What does “-sophist” mean, Jason?

JASON: It means “wise man.”

MRS. STEWART: I couldn’t have said it better myself! Now let’s talk about animals for a while. There are animals with names which begin with “gymno-.” The scientific name for “electric eel” is “gymnonoti.”

[Mrs. Stewart shows a picture and writes “gymnonoti” on the board.]

JASON: “-noti” means “back.” Doesn’t a gymnonoti have a back?

MRS. STEWART: Yes, it has a back, but it doesn’t have a fin on its back.

Then there is a tropical fish known as a “gymnodont.”

[Mrs. Stewart shows a picture and writes “gymnodont” on the board.]

JASON: But “-dont” means “teeth.” This is a fish with teeth?

MRS. STEWART: Not exactly. It has bony things that look like teeth.

Here’s another one: a “water bug” has antennae longer than its head. Its scientific name is “gymnocerata.”

[Mrs. Stewart shows a picture and writes “gymnocerata” on the board.]

JASON: But “-cerata” means “horns.” I suppose you’re going to tell us a gymnocerata doesn’t really have horns, aren’t you!

MRS. STEWART: [laughs] That’s right, Jason. But it has antennae longer than its head, so it looks like it has naked horns.

JASON: You can’t trust anybody these days.

MRS. STEWART: The “gymnourus” lives in Southeast Asia and is commonly called a “moonrat.”

[Mrs. Stewart shows a picture and writes “gymnourus” on the board.]

JASON: It has a naked tail, all right.

ISIS: I take it that “-urus” means “tail?”

JASON: You’re absolutely right.

MRS. STEWART: A gymnourus is so-called because it doesn’t have any fur on its tail.

MRS. STEWART: Now let’s visit the other biological kingdom. Some plants have scientific names beginning with “gymno-.” In Latin America, there is a flower which is commonly called “oysterwood,” but the scientists call “gymnanthes.”

[Mrs. Stewart shows a picture and writes “gymnanthes” on the board.]

JASON: Those are awfully scanty-looking leaves there. They look naked.

MRS. STEWART: Aren’t you going to tell us that “-anthes” means “leaf”?

JASON: No, I decided I’d let YOU do the honors this time.

MRS. STEWART: That’s nice of you. Everybody, “-anthes” means “leaf.” But now, we’re going to go a little deeper. In Latin America, there is also a cactus called a “gymnocalycium.”

[Mrs. Stewart shows a picture of a cactus with scanty-looking outer leaves and writes “gymnocalycium” on the board.]

How do you break this one down, Jason?

JASON: Well, “gymno-” means “nude”—

MRS. STEWART: Yes, I think everybody knows that by now. What does the rest of it mean?

JASON: I don’t know.

LUKE: You don’t know? Now we all feel like the folks in Mudville felt when Casey struck out!

MRS. STEWART: [laughs] That’s all right, Jason. “-calyc-” means “outer leaves of a flower.”

So that about wraps up today’s lesson. There are a lot more words we could look at, but it’s almost time for the bell.

JASON: Why did we have to come in here nude if all we did was sit in class?

MRS. STEWART: Because, doggone it, you look so nice that way! That reminds me:

[Mrs. Stewart writes “-phile” on the board.]

MRS. STEWART: “-phile” means “love.” How many gymnophiles do we have in this room?

[All of the girls raise their hands.]

MRS. STEWART [raising her hand]: Me too!

/// antonym

The next text card defined ANTONYM as “a word or phrase opposite in meaning to another word or phrase.”

On the following video:

JASON: I bet the class can figure this one out. “anto-” means the same as “anti-.” What does “anti-” mean?

OTHER CLASS MEMBERS: Opposite!

JASON: And what does “-nym” mean?

OTHER CLASS MEMBERS: Name!

JASON [with a thumbs up gesture]: Very good!

MRS. STEWART: What are some antonyms which we can find in this room?

LUKE: I see something large and something small—

ARIEL: I see something black and something white—

MRS. STEWART: Yes, but I’m looking for something we can use for a project.

FRASQUITA: How about flaccid and erect?

MRS. STEWART: That might be a good one. What do you think would be a good

exercise using flaccid and erect?

FRASQUITA: Hard to say. The boys were all erect at the beginning of the school year and they’re all flaccid now.

MERCEDES: Every boy but Jeffrey. He’s been flaccid from the very beginning.

ISIS: I think boys deserve more recognition when they are erect. You don’t often see a painting or statue of a man with an erect penis in an art gallery.

ARIEL: I agree with Isis. It’s not like that everywhere, though. In the landlocked nation of Bhutan, in the Himalayan Mountains between China and India, the erect penis is a sacred symbol which is seen in the artwork everywhere.

Western culture didn’t always ignore erect penises either. The ancient Greeks worshipped a fertility god named Priapus, who was always erect.

FRASQUITA: Let’s see if we can get a good picture of Jeffrey with an erect penis.

MERCEDES: He’ll be the only naked person. That might help make him feel self-conscious.

MRS. STEWART: Good idea! Jeffrey, go take your clothes off.

[Jeffrey leaves the room. A diagonal wipe shows Jeffrey returning to the classroom nude.]

MRS. STEWART: Jeffrey, stand on the platform and let us all have a good look at you.

[Jeffrey stands on the platform. Mrs. Stewart sets the camera and turns on the spotlight. The class members turn off the lights, close the door, and close the blinds on the windows.]

ISIS’S VOICE: Isn’t he gorgeous! He has his very own special way of showing his penis, just like every other boy!

FRASQUITA’S VOICE: Then I’m sure he has his own special way of showing an ERECT penis. Come on, let’s see it.

ISIS’S VOICE: Oh, give him time, Frasquita. He may need more time than most boys.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Ariel’s gone erect on us. That shows he likes us.

MADDY’S VOICE: Yeah! And Luke likes us too!

ISIS’S VOICE: I’m sure Jeffrey likes us too, he just has a different way of showing it.

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector. She spoke to the audience. “And so it continued for the rest of the class period. Like I say, you win a few, you lose a few.”

/// inspiration

The next title card defined INSPIRATION as “the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, especially to do something creative.”

The video played:

MRS. STEWART: I would like to see if we can get any kind of inspiration today.

LUKE: “in—” means “in,” the same as it does in English, and the rest of the word means “breath.”

JASON: It’s nice to have another etymologist in the class.

MRS. STEWART: It surely is. Thank you, Luke. What is some way that inspiration can take place here in this classroom? I am looking for something that affect the students in this room in different ways.

FRASQUITA: We can talk about what is happening in Washington.

MRS. STEWART: Yes, we have all different feelings about what is happening in Washington, but I’m looking for something we can bring right here to this classroom, and we can’t bring Washington into this classroom.

MERCEDES: There are lots of things in this room that we can talk about—the door, the window, the blackboard, the desks.

MRS. STEWART: Yes, that meets the second requirement, but I don’t think anybody in this room has any strong feelings about doors or windows. Can anybody think of something which meets both requirements?

FRASQUITA: Exactly what we’ve been talking about: human bodies! We all have different feelings about human bodies! And they’re strong feelings, too!”

MRS. STEWART: You are right, Frasquita. What sort of activity do you suggest that would involve human bodies?

FRASQUITA: The same thing we’ve been doing. Ask for male nudity, only this time, we can brainstorm the many different feelings about male nudity.

MRS. STEWART: That’s a perfect idea! I’ll ask Ariel again. It will be different this time, because we all know each other better now, so the conversation should flow more freely.

[Diagonal wipe. The room is dark except for Ariel posing nude.]

LUKE’S VOICE: Why do people laugh at a person who’s naked? The superiority theory of humor says that we laugh a people we feel superior to. Suppose the naked person is a perfect ten.

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: In this case, we don’t HAVE to imagine that. Ariel IS a perfect ten!

MADDY’S VOICE: People might laugh at a person who is naked in the wrong place at the wrong time. [pause] For that matter, people might laugh at a person who is fully dressed in the wrong place at the wrong time. A person who tries to take a bath with clothes on might be funny.

LUKE’S VOICE: Oh, yes, I almost forgot that there’s also the incongruity theory of humor.

KOEN’S VOICE: Some people laugh at boys who DON’T swim naked at the swimming hole instead of those who do. They must think it’s manly for a boy to go naked.

And some people think it’s all right for boys to go naked but not girls. Because boys are strong and don’t need protection. [with false affection] And we wouldn’t want Frasquita and Mercedes to suffer any insect bites, would we!

FRASQUITA and MERCEDES V.O: Oh, shut up.

KOEN’S VOICE: Some women, and some girls too, are embarrassed when they see me nude at a clothing optional beach. And I just love that! I just love it!

Sometimes I say, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a naked boy before?”

And sometimes I say, “Don’t get all upset, my penis isn’t going to bite you.”

And sometimes I pretend my penis IS going to bite them. I chase the girls all over the beach, wiggling my penis and saying, “My penis is gonna getchoo! My penis is gonna getchoo!”

ISIS’S VOICE: That’s very kind of you, Koen.

MADDY’S VOICE: Some people must see naked boys as heavenly.

LUKE’S VOICE: Yeah, why else would Renaissance painters paint angels as naked baby boys? They certainly don’t get it from the Bible. The Bible doesn’t say anything about angels being naked baby boys.

MADDY’S VOICE: Sometimes nudity means deprivation. Like in the verse “I was naked and you clothed me.”

LUKE’S VOICE: Matthew chapter twenty-five—

MADDY’S VOICE: verse thirty-six.

LUKE’S VOICE: Right, verse thirty-six.

But high culture is no stranger to nudity, not only in art, but in opera. How about the Dance of the Seven Veils in “Salome”? Or the bath tub scene in “The Little Sweep”? Or the dance of the Moorish children in “Aida?”

JEFFREY’S VOICE: That reminds me: there was a kid whose family was visiting the naturist community. He had big brown eyes and jet black hair and big broad shoulders. All the girls liked him and the women didn’t think he was too bad either. My family and I visited him in his hometown one time.

There was a costume piano recital that weekend. Ever seen one of those costume piano recitals? One girl played something from “Swan Lake,” so she wore a dance costume, and a boy played something from “Billy the Kid,” so he wore a Western costume.

LUKE’S VOICE: Was your friend in that recital too?

JEFFREY’S VOICE: You bet he was! The piano teacher had him play this piece about ancient Greek boys in a sports competition—I don’t remember the name of the piece.

LUKE’S VOICE: That sounds like “Gymnopedie” by Erik Satie.

JEFFREY’S VOICE: Yeah! That’s it! The piano teacher thought he was just adorable and I think she wanted to show him off, so she made him come to the recital and go out on the stage without a stitch of clothes on. You should have seen all those parents moving in with their video cameras!

LUKE’S VOICE: I bet!

KOEN’S VOICE: You know, that sounds a lot like a certain—[Some of the students looked at Mrs. Stewart, some looked at Ariel.]—oh, never mind.

LUKE’S VOICE: Say, you know, Maddy, when I first knew you, I kinda wanted you to see me the way Ariel is right now. I wanted it to be really shocking. I identified with Daphnes, like the first time Chloe got a good look at Daphnes.

MADDY’S VOICE: Who’s that?

LUKE:’S VOICE Daphnes herded sheep and Chloe herded cattle and—well, I’ll tell you about it later.

MADDY: Hey! Abigail! How did you feel right now?

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: I’m sorry, Maddy, I couldn’t hear you from my heart pounding. What did you ask?

MADDY’S VOICE: I said how did you feel right now?

ABIGAIL’S VOICE: Probably like this Chloe girl that Luke is talking about.

Mrs. Stewart turned off the video. “So the members of the class discussed different reactions to nudity, but none of them said that Ariel’s nudity was ridiculous. Apparently, then, they all thought his nudity was congruous!”

/// comparatives/superlatives

The next title card defined a COMPARATIVE as “an adjective or adverb stating that something or someone has more or less of a quality than something or someone else.”

The title card after that defined a SUPERLATIVE as “an adjective or adverb stating that something or someone has the most or least of a quality.”

Mrs. Stewart turned on the video projector.

[The students are coming into the classroom.]

MRS. STEWART: Hello, class. Boys, as you know, you are having your physical exam today. I just got word from the office that all the boys who have classes on this floor at this time are to undress and to walk down to the nurse’s office in their undershorts.

[The boys leave for the locker room.]

[A diagonal wipe shows the boys returning to the classroom wearing only undershorts.]

MRS. STEWART: [to the girls] Okay. Perfect. I’ll do that right now. [to the boys] Boys, before you go to the nurse’s office, could I have a minute of your time? I’d like to take a quick shot of each one of you before you leave.

[Koen stands on the platform while Mrs. Stewart takes a picture. A diagonal wipe shows Jason standing on the platform while Mrs. Stewart takes a picture.]

MRS. STEWART: Fine. You boys can go to the nurse’s office now.

[The boys are leaving the classroom.]

KOEN: Oh, isn’t this a pain!

[Another diagonal wipe shows the boys returning from the physical exam.]

KOEN: I’m glad that’s over, I couldn’t stand that any longer. [clutching his arms to his chest, jumping around, and speaking in a falsetto voice] “Ewww! Ewww! Someone’s gonna see us! Someone’s gonna see us!” [The girls laugh.]

MRS. STEWART: Koen, be a gentleman.

KOEN: I can’t help it. They oughta ship all those wimpyburgers off to a girls’ finishing school—or a home for unwed mothers or something like that. [addressing the girls, with a slow hand gesture] Look around here. Do you see anything you never saw at a swimming pool?

[The girls shake their heads and murmur “no.”]

I didn’t think so.

MRS. STEWART: The time for this class has almost run out, but while you boys were gone, we decided to do something different tomorrow. Tomorrow we would like for all of you to come dressed in your Sunday best—or Saturday best, sorry, Ariel—and we’ll all see how immaculate you look.

KOEN: I don’t know what you’re up to, but do you expect us to trust you? Especially with Frasquita and Mercedes in here?

MRS. STEWART [holding up one hand]: I solemnly swear that we will not hurt a hair on your head.

KOEN: I know you’re up to something, but I’ll go along. How about the rest of you guys?

[Some of the other boys shrug, some of them nod.]

MRS. STEWART: Now you’d better get your clothes on real quick, it’s almost time for the bell.

[diagonal wipe]

MRS. STEWART: Class, today we’re going to talk about comparatives and superlatives.

LUKE: “Com—” means “together” and the rest of the word means “equal.” “Super—” means “beyond” and the rest of the word means “carry.”

Mrs. Stewart put the video projector on pause and turned on the slide projector. “And here is what resulted from this project.”

Koen was shown in formal attire. The caption read, “Koen looks nice—”

Koen was next shown in his undershorts. The caption read, “—nicer—"

Koen was next shown nude. The caption read, “—and nicest.”

Twelve more slides showed Jeffrey, Ariel, Luke, and Jason, looking “nice,” “nicer,” and “nicest.”

Mrs. Stewart proudly said, “The physical exam may have interrupted our schedule, but we turned it to our advantage. How’s THAT for adaptability!”

/// passive voice

The next title card defined PASSIVE VOICE as “a form or set of forms of a verb in which the subject undergoes the action of the verb.”

In the next video segment:

MRS. STEWART: Can someone give us an example?

JASON: “The meeting was postponed.” “Plans were made.” “A committee was organized.”

MRS. STEWART: Excellent! Where did you hear those examples?

JASON: From a club that my mom belongs to.

MRS. STEWART: I’m afraid we can’t postpone anything in this class, because we have a lot of work to do. Are there any other ways we can demonstrate the passive voice?

KOEN: We’ll stack this platform nice and high. I’ll stand on the platform looking nice and proud while all the girls gather around me, clutching their hands together. The caption will read “Koen is admired by all the girls.”

ABIGAIL, MADDY, and ISIS: No!

MRS. STEWART: Koen, would you settle for Frasquita and Mercedes admiring you, while Abigail admires Ariel, Maddy admires Luke, and Isis admires Jason?

KOEN: I liked it better my way, but I’ll settle on that.

MRS. STEWART: Jeffrey, I am wondering if you have something to say about all this.

JEFFREY: That’s okay, I’ll just watch.

MERCEDES: I sometimes get tired of admiring Koen anyway, and I’m kinda feeling sorry for Jeffrey. So I’ll admire Jeffrey.

MRS. STEWART: Jeffrey, how does that sound? [Jeffrey nods.]

MRS. STEWART: Boys, if you could help stack the platform, that will help very much. [The boys stack the platform.]

MRS. STEWART: That’s fine. Now boys, could you please go to the locker room.

JASON: Can’t we do this whole thing with our clothes on?

MRS. STEWART: Well? I guess we could, I didn’t think about that.

FRASQUITA: But the boys are more admirable with their clothes off.

MERCEDES: That’s what I say.

MRS. STEWART: Fine. Boys, please go to the locker room.

[The boys go to the locker room.]

[A diagonal wipe shows the boys returning from the locker room, nude.]

MRS. STEWART: Fine. Koen, could you stand on the platform. I’ll put the spotlight on Koen, and Frasquita, you stand down here on the floor and act like you really admire Koen.

FRASQUITA: That’s a real acting stretch, but I’ll try.

Mrs. Stewart put the video projector on pause and said, “So now I have five slides for you. ‘Koen is admired by Frasquita.’ ‘Jeffrey is admired by Mercedes,’ ‘Ariel is admired by Abigail,’ ‘Luke is admired by Maddy,’ and ‘Jason is admired by Isis.’”

Mrs. Stewart added proudly, “All of them are admired by Mrs. Stewart!”

/// synecdoche

The next title card defined SYNECDOCHE as “the use of a name of a part for a whole or a whole for a part.”

In the next video clip:

JASON: “Syn-” means “together.” The rest of the word means “take up.”

FRASQUITA: Jason, how come you always know where all these words come from?

JASON: I study that sort of thing in my own free time. That made the teachers think I was smart, so they skipped me a couple of grades.

ABIGAIL: You ARE smart.

MADDY: Yeah, you ARE smart.

MRS. STEWART: If a boss at work has fifty people working under him, we might say, “He has fifty hands working under him.” Can someone come up with another example?

ARIEL: Last weekend, a friend drove over to our house from across town in only a few minutes. My mom said, “She got here fast because she has wheels.”

MRS. STEWART: That’s an example.

LUKE: “I should have been a pair of ragged claws/ Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.” That’s from a poem by T. S. Eliot. It’s about a guy who wishes he were a crab.

MRS. STEWART: The poor fellow. How can we make a synecdoche from what we have in this class?

FRASQUITA: By telling how many boys we have in the class!

MRS. STEWART: That’s a good idea! And what does a boy have that a girl doesn’t have?

FRASQUITA: [looking at a diagram in a book] A prostate gland! [Frasquita and Mercedes giggle.]

MRS. STEWART: [smiling] Fine. I’ll open each boy up and take a picture of each boy’s prostate gland.

MERCEDES: [looking at the diagram again] What’s this? Vas deferens! [Frasquita and Mercedes giggle again.]

MRS. STEWART: [smiling] I’ll take five pictures of that too, if I recognize it when I see it.

FRASQUITA: Epi—epididymis! [Frasquita and Mercedes giggle a third time.]

MRS. STEWART [smiling]: We’re really going to the vivisect the boys, aren’t we! But I’m not sure the boys would like that. Maybe we should be content with what they have on the outside. What would that be?

MERCEDES: Oh, I don’t know, prick? Penis? Phin? Phallus? Peepee?

MRS. STEWART: This time, maybe we’d better call it a penis. Boys, could you please go to the locker room?

[Boys leave for the locker room.]

Mrs. Stewart switched to a picture slide, which showed a row of five naked boys. The text read, “There are five penises in the class.”

/// adverb of location

Mrs. Stewart switched back to the slide projector. The following term was ADVERB OF LOCATION, which was defined as “a word or phrase describing where something is done.”

Mrs. Stewart switched back to the video projector.

FRASQUITA: We’ve been taking pictures of the boys indoors all semester long. Let’s have some variety and take some pictures of the boys outdoors.

JASON: We can do that just as easily with our clothes on, can’t we?

FRASQUITA: Yes, we can, but Jeffrey has been telling us how nice it feels to be nude outdoors, and we always want the boys to be happy, don’t we!

MRS. STEWART: Frasquita has a point, and Jeffrey has a point. Boys, go leave your clothes in the lockers. When we’re all here, we’ll go outside together.

[The video wiped to a a scene on the playground. Mrs. Stewart’s class is arriving, but so is another class.]

Mrs. Stewart stopped the video projector and explained, “I thought this would be a quick session with five photographs, with the captions reading ‘Koen poses outdoors,’ ‘Jeffrey poses outdoors,’ and so on. I neglected to check the playground schedule.

“But there was no disaster. By this time, our class was well-known throughout the rest of the school, so our students became quickly assimilated by the other students.”

The caption of the next slide read “Jason plays hopscotch outdoors.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “The girls took an instant liking to Jason.”

The next slide showed a session of double Dutch, again with Jason participating. The caption read “Jason plays jump rope outdoors."

The next slide showed Jason chasing the girls. The caption read “Jason plays kiss tag outdoors.”

The next slide showed Koen flipping a girl’s skirt. The caption read, “Koen teases the girls outdoors.” Mrs. Stewart said, “Koen did not seem the least bit self-conscious.”

This was followed by a slide showing the girls chasing Koen. The caption read, “Koen gets mobbed by the girls outdoors.”

After that slide was a slide showing Koen lying prone in the lap of the girl whose skirt he had just flipped. That girl is upraising one arm and the other girls are restraining Koen. The caption read, “Koen gets his naked butt whipped outdoors.”

The remaining captions read “Jeffrey plays football outdoors,” “Luke plays basketball outdoors,” and “Ariel plays kickball outdoors.”

Mrs. Stewart made one last comment: “Anything boys can do with clothes on they can do with no clothes on. So why should they bother putting clothes on?” ///

/// apostrophes

A series of title cards followed. An APOSTROPHE was “a punctuation mark used to indicate either possession or the omission of letters.”

A POSSESSIVE NOUN was “a noun that shows ownership.”

A PLURAL was “a noun denoting more than one.”

A THIRD PERSON SINGULAR VERB was “a verb used with a noun or pronoun referring to one of someone or something.”

A CONTRACTION was “a word that has been shortened by omitting one or more letters.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “You wouldn’t believe how much trouble I’ve had teaching the students when to use and when not to use an apostrophe.”

A flurry of comments came from the audience. “We wouldn’t?” “We probably would!” “We hear you!”

The next few slides showed samples from the students’ written work.

“I like to strip in front of girl’s.”

“I wish all the boy’s came to school naked.”

“My mother make’s me undress when I get home.”

“Jason look’s so cute when hes embarrassed.”

Mrs. Stewart stayed on the topic for a while. “I don’t know how long I raved and ranted at the students. You use an apostrophe for a possessive noun! You do NOT use an apostrophe for a plural! You use an apostrophe for a contraction! You do NOT use an apostrophe for a third person singular verb!

“Here is a lesson I gave on apostrophes.”

Mrs. Stewart turned on the video:

JASON: “apo-” means “away from” and “-strophe” means “turn.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Jason.

LUKE: That’s what I say, “Thank you, Jason.” I always wondered why the punctuation mark and the figure of speech were both called apostrophes.

FRASQUITA: The figure of speech?

LUKE: Yes. I’m referring to a message addressed someone or something that is not present or can’t really respond.

MERCEDES: That’s also called an apostrophe?

LUKE: Yes, it is. I don’t think any skylark understood Percy Bysshe Shelley when he said, “Hail to thee, blithe Spirit!/Bird thou never wert,/That from Heaven, or near it,/Pourest thy full heart/In profuse strains of unpremeditated art.”

FRASQUITA: I’m not sure I can understand it myself.

MRS. STEWART: So we have two kinds of apostrophe. The one I want to talk about right now is the punctuation mark. How can we demonstrate when to use an apostrophe and when not to use an apostrophe?

FRASQUITA: Let’s start with something that every boy has two of.

ARIEL: Two eyes? No, every girl also has two eyes.

MADDY: Two ears? No, every girl also has two ears.

MERCEDES: Two gonads. No, that might be hard to photograph.

ISIS: How about two boobies? Every girl has two of those too, but boys can show their boobies and girls can’t. And I think Jason’s boobies are kinda cute.

FRASQUITA: Good! We’ll have a smiling picture of Koen’s smiling face and his manly chest. The caption will say “These are Koen’s boobies.”

MRS. STEWART: That takes care of the possessive noun and the plural. How about the third person singular and the contraction?

FRASQUITA: We’ll write a caption that says “Everyone knows Koen’s a real good kid.”

MRS. STEWART: That would be good. But all that would be too much for one slide, don’t you think?

MERCEDES: We can put that last part on another slide, along with an illustration.

MRS. STEWART: Good idea. What will we use for an illustration?

ALL GIRLS: A full-length portrait!

MRS. STEWART: That’s okay, but the boys might be tired of posing for full-length portraits. Shall we reuse the ones we already have?

[All boys voice their assent.]

But we still need for you to take your shirts off for the boobie shots.

[All boys take their shirts off.]

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector and spoke to the gathering. “So here are the slides which resulted from this lesson.”

Mrs. Stewart showed the slide reading “These are Koen’s boobies,” followed by the slide reading “Everyone knows Koen’s a real good kid.”

She rapidly showed the slides for the remaining four boys.

“And all this time, Maddy has been busy with her artwork. She drew five very nice boobie portraits.”

Mrs. Stewart showed Maddy’s portraits on five more slides.

/// prepositions

The next title card defined PREPOSITION as “a word that shows the relation of a noun or pronoun to another word.”

On the video screen:

[Mrs. Stewart is writing examples on the board:

above

below

before

after

for

with

in

around

under

over

for]

LUKE: “pre-” means “before” and the rest of the word means “put.”

MRS. STEWART: Thank you, Luke. What is a good way to demonstrate one of these prepositions here in this class?

MADDY: I notice that the last word on the list is “for.” Tomorrow is Isis’ birthday. If we do something nice for Isis tomorrow, we can celebrate the word “for” as well as Isis’ birthday.

MRS. STEWART: Good idea, Maddy! Isis, what can we do to celebrate your birthday?

ISIS: Well, I've always enjoyed watching boys pee. I like to watch boys because each boy has his own individual style. Every boy walks differently, runs differently, and does everything else differently. And they all move more gracefully when they are nude. So I think watching naked boys is a fine art which should more widely appreciated.

But I don’t get enough opportunities to see boys pee. But when I do, I enjoy it to its fullest because each boy pee’s just a little bit differently.

MRS. STEWART: Where shall we do this, Isis?

ISIS: I don't wanna do this in the rest room because rest rooms look ugly and smell awful. I wanna do it outside where it's nice and green.

JASON: Can we go outside with our clothes on?

ISIS: No, I don't want you to pull down your pants because that looks ugly. I want you to do it the way Nature intended.

MRS. STEWART: How would you like a series of pictures with captions reading “Koen urinates for Isis,” “Ariel urinates for Isis”—?

ISIS: I would like that very much.

MRS. STEWART: The park across the street is a nice place. Do you want to do it there?

ISIS: That would be perfect.

MRS. STEWART: Boys, everybody buy a bottle of water at the cafeteria tomorrow and drink plenty of water. I want all of you to have plenty of urine for Isis.

JASON: Can’t we walk over there with our clothes on and take them off at the park?

MRS. STEWART: No, your clothes could get dirty that way. I would rather you left your clothes here.

A diagonal wipe showed the classroom the next day, with the class singing “Happy Birthday to You” for Isis.

ARIEL: In a child’s birthday party in France, the birthday child is expected to kiss all the children attending the party.

FRASQUITA and MERCEDES: Don’t you dare kiss Koan!

ABIGAIL: Don’t you dare kiss Ariel!

MADDY: Don’t you dare kiss Luke!

ISIS: How about you, Jeffrey? Do you want me to kiss you?

JASON: Don’t you dare kiss Jeffrey!

ISIS: How about the girls? Do you want to be kissed?

FRASQUITA, MERCEDES, ABIGAIL, and MADDY: No!

ISIS: I guess that only leaves Jason, then. [kisses Jason]

Mrs. Stewart switched to the slide projector and showed five slides, with captions reading, “Koen urinates for Isis,” “Jeffrey urinates for Isis,” “Ariel urinates for Isis,” “Luke urinates for Isis,” and “Jason urinates for Isis.”

In all of the shots, Isis is watching appreciatively.

Mrs. Stewart told the audience, “Now that Isis mentions it, every boy had his own style of urinating. Here I have been missing one of the finer things in life.”

/// connotation

The next title card defined CONNOTATION as “an idea or feeling that a word invokes in addition to its literal or primary meaning.”

Mrs. Stewart turned on the video projector:

MRS. STEWART: Think about a lesson which we had a while ago. In the lesson on synonyms, Koen had a prick, Jeffrey had a penis, Ariel had a phin, Luke had a phallus, and Jason had a peepee. You see that those synonyms that we worked with had quite different connotations, didn’t they!

[The students nod and murmur their agreement.]

What can the class do to demonstrate different connotations?

[Abigail and Maddy have a whispered conference.]

ABIGAIL: Maddy and I have in mind writing up a five- or ten-minute play. Since today is Friday, all the girls will have time to get together and have something written up by Monday.

MRS. STEWART: Wonderful! Do you all agree on that?

[Frasquita, Mercedes, and Isis nod. They write down their phone numbers and hand them to Abigail and Maddy.]

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector. “Abigail and Maddy were all ready for work on Monday. They handed their neatly typed scripts to the rest of the class and we all immediately began work on diligent rehearsal. There was a PTA meeting that month and we got our play listed on the agenda.”

The video segment showed the stage in the school auditorium.

PTA PRESIDENT: Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Stewart’s class will now perform a skit entitled “The Five Synonyms.” [The audience applauds.]

[The voices of the shouting players are overheard from behind the scenes.]

KOEN as NAKED: Naked!

JEFFREY as NATURE’S GARB: Nature’s Garb!

ARIEL as DESNUDO: Desnudo!

LUKE as NUDE: Nude!

JASON as MOTHER NAKED: Mother Naked!

KOEN as NAKED: Naked!

JEFFREY as NATURE’S GARB: Nature’s Garb!

ARIEL as DESNUDO: Desnudo!

LUKE as NUDE: Nude!

JASON as MOTHER NAKED: Mother Naked!

KOEN as NAKED: All right, we are obviously not getting anywhere, so let’s bring this all out into the open.

[All five players enter from stage left. In order stage right to stage left, Koen, Jeffrey, Ariel, Luke, and Jason line up in a row. All five players are nude.]

KOEN as NAKED: [steps forward] My name is Naked and I want my name spoken every day. People use my name when they refer to something that is vulnerable, unadorned, uncovered, or exposed. Maybe people SHOULD see a lack of clothing differently, but they don’t. My suggestion is the most realistic, so all these other suggestions will just have to go. [steps back in place]

JEFFREY as NATURE’S GARB: [steps forward] My name is Nature’s Garb and I want my name spoken every day. When people say my name, people are reminded of where it all started. When people forget about our natural origins, they get caught up in junk food, poisonous chemicals, unrenewable resources, and many other harmful and unnatural practices. My suggestion relates best to the world’s problems, so all these other suggestions will just have to go. [steps back in place]

ARIEL as DESNUDO: [steps forward] My name is Desnudo and I want my name spoken every day. Where would our country be without help from other countries? Lafayette could not help us and von Steuben could not help us. Where would the United States be without the minorities which have been so mercilessly persecuted? Einstein could not help us and Garrett Morgan could not help us. My suggestion is the most cosmopolitan because it’s the only foreign word, so all these other suggestions will just have to go. [steps back in place]

LUKE as NUDE: [steps forward] My name is Nude and I want my name spoken every day. People use my name when they refer to something which is artistic and tasteful. My suggestion is the most refined, so all these other suggestions will just have to go. [steps back in place]

JASON as MOTHER NAKED: [steps forward] My name is Mother Naked and I want my name spoken every day. People use my name to remind each other how a baby looks on the first day. That is how a baby is held by the mother, hugged by the mother, and bathed by the mother. My suggestion is the most filially affectionate, so all these other suggestions will just have to go. [steps back in place]

KOEN as NAKED: So now we’ve all had our say, so we are now ready to vote. How many vote for Naked? [raises and lowers his hand]

How many vote for Nature’s Garb?

[JEFFREY as NATURE’S GARB raises and lowers his hand.]

How many vote for Desnudo?

[ARIEL as DESNUDO raises and lowers his hand.]

How many vote for Nude?

[LUKE as NUDE raises and lowers his hand.]

How many vote for Mother Naked?

[JASON as MOTHER NAKED raises and lowers his hand.]

That’s a five-way tie, so that’s not going to work. It looks like we’ll have to try something else.

[steps forward] When you want to refer to something that is vulnerable, unadorned, uncovered, or exposed, say “naked.” [steps back in place]

[JEFFREY as NATURE’S GARB steps forward.]

When you want to refer to our natural origins, say “nature’s garb.”

[JEFFREY as NATURE’S GARB steps back in place.]

[ARIEL as DESNUDO steps forward.]

When you want to pay tribute to other cultures, say “desnudo.”

[ARIEL as DESNUDO steps back in place.]

[LUKE as NUDE steps forward.]

When you want to be artistic and tasteful, say “nude.”

[LUKE as NUDE steps back in place.]

[JASON as MOTHER NAKED steps forward.]

When you want to pay tribute to the many mothers of this world, say “mother naked.”

[JASON as MOTHER NAKED steps back in place.]

Thank you.

[The five players take a bow. The audience applauds. The players file offstage stage left.]

/// direct object

The next topic slide defined a DIRECT OBJECT as “a noun or pronoun that receives the action of a verb.”

On the video clip:

MRS. STEWART: When you eat cake, “cake” is the direct object. When you drink orange juice, “orange juice” is the direct object. Do you folks have any particular verb in mind?

FRASQUITA: I sure do, because I'm mad! How come you boys never kiss us?

KOEN: Kiss you girls? Are you kidding? I’d have to pretend you’re Marilyn Monroe and Mercedes is Jayne Mansfield. [Frasquita and Mercedes give Koen a dirty look.] Just kidding.

ARIEL: I guess I will cooperate. “A kiss of love is spreading to the four directions, and the four directions are being connected by it as one.”

MRS. STEWART: How do the rest of you boys feel?

JEFFREY: We kiss each other in the community, never thought about kissing here.

LUKE: The Seventh Commandment says, “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” It doesn’t say anything about kissing.

JASON: I’m used to the girls giving out all the orders.

ARIEL: You know how they kiss on the Trobriand Islands of New Guinea? First they hug, about like we do hug. Then they rub their tongues together. They even suck on each other’s tongues. Then they bite each other in the lower lip.

[The rest of the class reacts.]

JASON: Why, you people are ethnocentrists!

MRS. STEWART: Let’s talk about Frasquita’s request. I don’t think many boys realize how much joy they could bring to girls by kissing them. How would you suggest that we carry out a lesson on the subject?

FRASQUITA: Simple! Have Ariel kiss Abigail. Have Luke kiss Maddy. Have Jason kiss Isis. Have Koen kiss Frasquita.

MERCEDES: And Mercedes!

MRS. STEWART: What about Jeffrey?

JEFFREY: That’s okay. I’ll bring a picture of me kissing my sister.

ISIS: May I make a suggestion?

MRS. STEWART: Why sure, Isis.

ISIS: While the boys are kissing us, I'd like for the boys to go nude. Every boy kisses in his own special way, but especially when he’s unencumbered by clothing.

MRS. STEWART: I think you are right, Isis. Boys, go take your clothes off while I get the camera set up.

[Exeunt Boys.]

Mrs. Stewart switched to the slide projector. “And this is the product of our work. Here is Koen kissing Frasquita while Mercedes looks resentful. Here is Koen again, kissing Mercedes while Frasquita looks resentful. Here is Jeffrey, giving his little sister a brotherly kiss just before bedtime. Here is Ariel kissing Abigail out of respect and reverence. Here is Luke kissing Maddy out of love and unity, and here is Jason kissing Isis.”

The last picture showed a dorsal view of Jason. Isis has her hand on Jason’s back while Jason is standing tiptoed to reach Isis’ face.

/// indirect objects

This next title card said that an INDIRECT OBJECT was “a noun or pronoun that receives the direct object.”

Mrs. Stewart showed another video clip.

[The boys are nude. Jason is sitting in Isis’ lap with one arm around her neck.]

MRS. STEWART: We just saw what a direct object is. An indirect object is a little different. An indirect object answers questions such as “for what,” “for whom,” “to what,” and “to whom.” Someone give me an example direct object and an indirect object.

ABIGAIL: “Call me a taxi.” “Okay, you’re a taxi.” [The class laughs.]

I got another one: “Make me a pepperoni pizza.” “Abracabra! You are now a pepperoni pizza!” [The class laughs again.]

MRS. STEWART [smiling]: Those are perfect examples! How can we demonstrate direct and indirect objects right here in this room?

KOEN: I’d like to show my body to someone besides the girls in this room.

GIRLS [angrily]: Thanks a lot!

KOEN [holding his hands out in self-defense]: No no no. All due respect to the girls in this room, but I would like to branch out.

ARIEL: Broaden our horizons.

LUKE: Explore new territory.

JASON: Blaze new trails.

KOEN: I wish you would stand me up on the platform and call in every girl and every woman in the school.

MRS. STEWART: I’m afraid I can’t do that, Koen. Could you narrow it down to just one person?

FRASQUITA: You’d better not choose another girl our age or I’ll gouge your eyes out.

MERCEDES: I’ll knock your teeth out.

FRASQUITA: I’ll wring your neck.

MERCEDES: I’ll break every bone in your body.

KOEN: To tell you the truth, I’ve wished I could time it just right so I could walk in the boys’ restroom while Miss Hazel is cleaning the urinals. Then I’d stand right next to the urinal she’s cleaning and give her a perfect view.

MRS. STEWART: I’ll see if she could come in sometime. Ariel, is there anyone you’d like for us to bring in?

ARIEL: No one particular person I want to show to, but Georgianna Taggart could sure use the educational experience.

MRS. STEWART: Her name is Georgianna Taggart, you say?

ARIEL: Yes. She’s a first-grader. She goes to this this school, and then she goes to my mom’s after-school program. She’s the nastiest thing you ever saw.

MRS. STEWART: She’s nasty? How’s that?

ARIEL: When I stop in the center, she tries to flip my shirt up and pull my pants down. She does that to all the boys at the center, too. And she’s always making dirty jokes about the other kids. And she’s always singing about all the other kids K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

MRS. STEWART: And you think this girl could benefit from a demonstration of male anatomy?

ARIEL: I should say she does. She doesn’t even know a boy from a TV aerial. She thinks I’m a TV aerial.

MRS. STEWART: A TV aerial? Oh! On account of your name! [laughs] I’ll see if we can bring her in, then. Luke, what’s on YOUR mind?

LUKE: Miss Marian knows how smart I am, how witty I am, and how easily I use the library resources. But I don’t think she knows I have a body.

MRS. STEWART: And you’d like to show her?

LUKE: Exactly.

MRS. STEWART: Maybe I can bring her in too.

MRS. STEWART: Jason, I believe you were frustrated because Miss Chelsea never comes in the boys’ locker room.

JASON: She sure doesn’t. She’s already seen the rest of me, so she knows what the rest of me looks like. But she probably doesn’t think I have anything underneath my gym shorts.

MRS. STEWART: [laughs] If she doesn’t, maybe we can enlighten her. I’m sorry, Jeffrey, I almost forgot about you.

JEFFREY: Maybe I could invite all mother’s friends from the community. They’ve all seen me a hundred times and I’ve seen them a hundred times. If they come in here and see me one more time, that oughta give them the greatest thrill they ever had.

MRS. STEWART [laughing]: I’m sure it would.

Mrs. Stewart turned back to the slide projector and spoke to the audience. “I asked our chosen guests to come into our classroom after school, when they weren’t busy. I asked each boy to stand on the platform and each guest to stand on the floor where that the guest’s eye level would be exactly right.

“Here you see that ‘Koen displays his gristle and fiber to Miss Hazel,’ ‘Ariel offers an anatomy lesson to Georgianna Taggart,’ ‘Luke bares everything he has to Miss Marian,’ and ‘Jason shows his cute baby fat to Miss Chelsea.’ Sorry I couldn’t get Jeffrey to participate.”

/// primary auxiliary verbs

The next title card defined AUXILIARY VERB as “a verb which is used along with a main verb.”

The title card after that defined PRIMARY AUXILIARY VERB as “an auxiliary verb which is used along with a main verb in the participle form.”

On the video:

MRS. STEWART: There’s another kind of auxiliary verb, but we’ll talk about that later. I’ll give you a few examples. If you say, “I am going,” “am” is the auxiliary verb, and “going” is the main verb in the participle form. I’ll see if you understand. “He was singing.” What’s the auxiliary verb?

RUAN: Was.

MRS. STEWART: And what is the main verb in the participle form?

FRASQUITA: Singing.

MRS. STEWART: “They were laughing.” What’s the auxiliary verb?

MERCEDES: Were.

MRS. STEWART: And what is the main verb?

JEFFERY: Laughing.

MRS. STEWART: You’re catching on fast! I’m going to try to trick you this time, so watch out. “We were talking.” What’s the main verb?

ABIGAIL: Talking.

MRS. STEWART: And what’s the auxiliary verb?

ARIEL: Were.

MRS. STEWART: You’re really catching on! We’re also going to learn a lot of verb tenses using primary auxiliary verbs. “John is walking,” “John has been walking,” “John was walking,” “John had been walking,” “John will be walking”—that’s five tenses right there. What shall we use for a main verb?

FRASQUITA: “Kiss!”

MRS. STEWART: We’ve already used “kiss.” I could use the same photographs I shot before and change the captions.

FRASQUITA: I’d rather you made five more rounds of photographs, though. Then the boys would have to kiss us five more times.

MERCEDES: And the boys should be nude in all these pictures. [two beats of silence] [looks expectantly at Jason] Jason? . . . Jason? . . .

JASON [impatiently]: All right, I won’t disappoint you, I’ll ask the question you expected me to ask: why do we have to go nude?

MERCEDES: Because!

JASON: Fine. If there’s anything I like, it’s good sound logic.

JEFFREY: I’ll bring in a photograph. I kiss my little sister right before we go to bed.

Mrs. Stewart the video projector in pause. “All the girls insisted on being kissed and photographed once for every verb tense. It took mountains of film, but we finally got through it. I won’t bore you with the complete collection, but here is a sample.”

Mrs. Stewart turned on the slide projector. “Present progressive: Koen is kissing Frasquita.

“Present progressive again: Koen is kissing Mercedes.

“Present perfect progressive: Jeffrey has been kissing his little sister.

“Past progressive: Ariel was kissing Abigail.

“Past perfect progressive: Luke had been kissing Maddy.

“Future progressive: Jason will be kissing Isis.

Mrs. Stewart could not resist making one final comment. “And Mrs. Stewart will be going to a funny farm if she ever has to live through an ordeal like this one again!”

/// modal auxiliary verb

“So much for the primary auxiliary verb sub-category. Now let’s split hairs and move on to the other sub-category.” The next title card defined MODAL AUXILIARY VERB as “an auxiliary verb which is used along with a main verb in the base form.”

The next video clip showed the same class the next day, with Isis and Jason snuggling as usual.

MRS. STEWART: “This time, we’re going to talk about a modal auxiliary verb, which is a different kind of an auxiliary verb. This time, the main verb is in the base form instead of the participle form. I’ll see if you understand. “She can jump.” What’s the auxiliary verb?

LUKE: Can.

MRS. STEWART: And what is the main verb in the base form?

MADDY: Jump.

MRS. STEWART: “They might come.” What’s the auxiliary verb?

ISIS: Might.

MRS. STEWART: And what is the main verb?

JASON: Come.

MRS. STEWART: You’re catching on fast! I’ll if I can trick you this time, so watch out. “We used to work.” What’s the main verb?

ISIS: Work.

MRS. STEWART: And what’s the auxiliary verb?

ABIGAIL: Used to.

MRS. STEWART: You’re catching on fast, and I knew you would. Can you come up with any examples of your own?

JASON: How about “want to”? Is that an auxiliary verb?

MRS. STEWART: Yes, it is, Jason.

JASON: I can tell you what I want to do. I want to show my body to my mother. She hasn’t seen me naked since she used to bathe me. But I want her to see me naked. But I’m afraid to tell her that.

LUKE: You know what I want to do every evening? I want to stand up from the bath tub, dry myself off with the towel, walk downstairs, and crawl in my mother’s lap. In other words, I want my mother and me to look like Jason and Isis over there.

ARIEL: You know what I want to do when I get home from school? I want to go to my room, throw all my clothes down on the floor, walk into the kitchen without a stitch of clothes on, and surprise my mother with a kiss. And I want to stay exactly that way all evening no matter what. Never mind if my sister brings friends home, never mind if the family has company for dinner, that’s how I want to stay for the rest of the evening.

LUKE: The children in Mary Cassatt’s paintings aren’t too big to be seen by their mommies, maybe we’re not either.

KOEN: You know, Jason? Sometimes I wonder whether you’re really less mature than we are, or whether it just seems that way because you’re more honest about your feelings than we are.

MRS. STUART: Ariel, do you want other women to see you naked too?

ARIEL: I’ll say I do. Abigail’s family and my family have been friends for years. And her mother has never once seen me naked!

LUKE: Same here. Maddy’s mother has never seen ME naked!

KOEN: The principal’s known what we were doing in this class all semester. The least she could do is stop at the doorway every once in a while. But nooo! She’s too busy!

JASON: It took an act of Congress to get Miss Chelsea in here to take a look. Other than that, she only sees us is in gym shorts and no shirt. She could drop in in the locker room at the gym any time she wants. But nooo! She’s too busy!

ISIS: How about “should”? Is that an auxiliary verb?

MRS. STEWART: Yes, it is, Isis.

ISIS: You want to know what I think every boy in this room should do?

I think all you boys should start going naked at home. (Except for Jeffrey, of course. Jeffrey, I realize you can’t START going naked at home because you ALREADY go naked at home.)

There is something you gotta realize. A girlfriend wants you to hug her, she wants you to kiss her, and she wants to see you naked.

Your mother is your girlfriend, and I really mean that. She wants you to hug her, she wants you to kiss her, and she wants to see you naked. She wants to cuddle with you, and she wants to feel your bare skin, not your clothes over your bare skin.

The same way with your sister. She’s your girlfriend too. She wants you to hug her, she wants you to kiss her, and she wants to see you naked. She wants to cuddle with you too, and she wants to feel your bare skin.

All of your female relatives are your girlfriends. Your grandmother is your girlfriend. Your aunt is your girlfriend. Your girl cousins are your girlfriends. Every one of them wants you to hug them, every one of them want you to kiss them, and every one of them wants to see you naked.

Take your clothes off once you get home. Stay that way until time to get dressed the next morning. Eat dinner naked, wash the dishes naked, do your homework naked, lift barbells naked, and practice the piano naked. And don’t even touch those window curtains! Those window curtains stay open!

Don’t even get dressed when company comes. Your mother wants to show you off, and with good reason. Your mother’s friends want you to hug them, they want you to kiss them, and they want to get a good look at you.

Same way with your sister’s friends. Your sister wants to show you off, and I don’t blame her. Your sister’s friends want you to hug them, they want you to kiss them, and they want to get a good look at you.

If your own friends drop in, have them take their clothes off too. Then make sure your mother gets a good look, your sister gets a good look, and any other visitors get a good look. If your friends get stiff, that doesn’t matter. If you get stiff, that doesn’t matter. We like boys any way they come. Your mother and her friends like boys any way they come.

If you go to visit a friend, leave the house naked. Cross the street naked, and knock on the door naked.

If the whole family goes to visit a friend, leave the house naked. Get in the car naked, get out of the car naked, and go to the front door naked.

A boy’s body is a terrible thing to waste.

/// planning an open house

Mrs. Stewart left the video projector running:

MRS. STUART: I tell you what: I’ll see about throwing an open house. I’ll be sure to invite not only all your mommies, but also all the women personnel in this school.

JASON: When?

MRS. STUART: On some school day about an hour after school lets out. That will give the girls time to look their very best, that will give me girls time to look my very best, and that will give you boys time to get all your clothes off before the first person arrives.

[The students, except for Jeffrey, nod and murmur their agreement.]

MRS. STEWART: Jeffrey, we haven’t heard from you. Do you agree to all this?

JEFFREY: Yeah, it’s all okay. I’ll tell my family about it. They might come and if they do, they’ll meet a lot of nice people.

KOEN: Jeffrey, you think we’re a bunch of idiots for getting all excited over nudity, don’t you!

JEFFREY: No, it’s not that. It’s just that I was raised differently, so I have trouble understanding all this.

/// symbolism

Mrs. Stewart paused the video projector. “For the next few days, I tried to keep on teaching grammar, but all the students could think about was the open house. In this class, for instance, I tried to talk about symbolism.”

The next title card defined SYMBOLISM as “the use of a character or object to represent an abstract idea, theme, or emotion.”

In the next video clip, Mrs. Stewart is explaining the concept to the class.

.

MRS. STEWART: What’s a good symbol for patriotism?

CLASS: A flag!

MRS. STEWART: What’s a good symbol for music?

CLASS: A treble clef!

MRS. STEWART: What’s a good symbol for religion?

SEVERAL CLASS MEMBERS: A cross!

ARIEL: Hey, wait a second!

ABIGAIL: Yeah, wait a second! It depends on the religion!

MRS. STEWART: Of course! Sorry, Ariel, sorry, Abigail.

FRASQUITA: What’s a good color symbolizing a girl?

CLASS: Pink!

MERCEDES: What’s a good color symbolizing a boy?

CLASS: Blue!

FRASQUITA: I got an idea: For the open house, why don’t we have a poster for each student in the class! The girls’ posters will have a pink field and the boys’ posters will have a blue field! And there will be a picture of each student on each poster.

MRS. STEWART: Frasquita, you might have a good idea. Do you suggest anything else to symbolize girls and boys?

FRASQUITA: For the girls, how about a triple moon! That’s a waxing moon which adjoins a full moon on the right, which in turn adjoins a waning moon on the right. Inside the full moon, you can show the girl student’s facial portrait. And the poster will be on a pink field.

MRS. STEWART: That ought to work. How about the boys?

FRASQUITA: A full-length portrait of a boy will fit perfectly inside a rectangle which is taller than it is wide.

MERCEDES: They don’t call that a “portrait orientation” for nothing.

FRASQUITA: Circles are for girls, angles are for boys.

MERCEDES: Exactly. And besides that, there is no better way to honor a boy than to show the boy, the whole boy, and nothing but the boy.

FRASQUITA: On each poster, we will print something unique and something complimentary about that person.

MRS. STEWART: I have plenty of pictures of the boys, but I’ll have to get busy taking pictures of the girls.

[Mrs. Stewart sets up the still camera and the spotlight.]

[A diagonal wipe shows Mrs. Stewart with a handful of photographs, which she hands out to the girls.]

MRS. STEWART: I’ll let you choose which photographs you like the best.

FRASQUITA: Remember, we want to see every boy facing the camera directly. A penis proves a boy’s gender beyond a shadow of a doubt, so we don’t want any three-quarter views.

MERCEDES: And we want a full-length view. We don’t want any photographs of a boy’s head cut off or a boy’s feet cut off.

FRASQUITA: And we want a perfectly natural view. No rings, no necklaces, and nothing in the boy’s hand.

MRS. STEWART: This open house will be a lot of work for me. I hope you kids could come after school and help me.

[Students indicate their agreement.]

Mrs. Stewart turned off the video projector and turned on the slide projector. “And here are the posters which resulted from our project.”

In each of the first five posters, there was a pink background, a girl’s facial portrait inside a triple moon, and a caption underneath:

“We have been helped immeasurably by ideas which FRASQUITA brought to us.

We are lucky to have a girl like Frasquita in our class.”

“It would be nice if everyone in the world were as flexible as MERCEDES.

We are lucky to have a girl like Mercedes in our class.”

“ABIGAIL has a sense of humor which brightened up the class.

We are lucky to have a girl like Abigail in our class.”

“An artist as talented as MADDY hard to find.

We are lucky to have a girl like Maddy in our class.”

“The world would be more peaceful if more people were as empathic as ISIS.

We are lucky to have a girl like Isis in our class.”

In each of the last five posters, there was a blue background, a boy’s full-length nude portrait on the left, and a caption on the right:

“It may not seem like it at times, but we know that KOEN appreciates other people, and other people, in turn, appreciate him.

We are lucky to have a boy like Koen in our class.”

“From living in a subculture which is different from ours, JEFFREY has shared many insights with us.

We are lucky to have a boy like Jeffrey in our class.”

“ARIEL has been a good influence both on younger children and on people his own age.

We are lucky to have a boy like Ariel in our class.”

“LUKE is an eager student, and his curiosity has rubbed off on the rest of us.

We are lucky to have a boy like Luke in our class.”

“Although at times he seems like a mascot, JASON has truly been one of us.

We are lucky to have a boy like Jason in our class.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “And now, here is the big event!”

/// open house

After freezing on a picture of the classroom decked for the open house, Mrs. Stewart spoke to the audience. “The platform had been placed outside the classroom to make room for the festivities. You see that the refreshment table has been set. Each boy’s desk was placed next to his partner’s desk for moral support. On each boy’s desk, I placed a folder containing that boy’s photographs.

“You see that these hitherto seldom used desks are now arranged in a straight row. This makes it possible for each student to greet each visitor. The chairs were placed in front of the desks rather behind the desks. Each boy is to stand for every visitor, honoring the visitor with a full view.

“For a while, we weren’t sure things would go smoothly. Here’s what happened.”

Mrs. Stewart allowed the video to play.

[The Principal enters the classroom with a concerned look on her face. She hands a flyer to Mrs. Stewart.]

MRS. STEWART: What’s this?

PRINCIPAL: A man wearing a blue jacket and a ten-gallon hat handed it to me. He said his name was James West. He’s leading a picket line.

MRS. STEWART: A picket line? Who’s in the picket line?

PRINCIPAL: They call themselves the West Burrowers. They chose that name because they burrow into places which in their opinion need to be burrowed.

Mrs. Stewart stopped the video and resumed speaking to the audience. “The boys were stranded stark naked, and with no place to run. I gave the students careful instructions on how to greet every visitor. If a visitor was male, every boy is to shake hands with the visitor.

“If the visitor was female, the boy is to place one hand on the visitor’s back and kiss the visitor on the cheek. I told them that ‘women like to be hugged and kissed, especially by good-looking boys with no clothes on.’

“That meant that each boy had to kiss a lot of mommies, aunts, grandmothers, women friends and neighbors, sisters of all ages, girl classmates of all ages, women teachers, women administrators, cafeteria ladies, and cleaning ladies.

“The boys became quite stimulated from all this kissing and this nudity. As if that were not bad enough, the visitors stimulated the boys still further by commenting on how nice and clean they looked, how well-groomed they looked, and how nice and healthy they looked. They also made stale jokes, such as ‘This must be the latest fashion’ and ‘I see you decided to go casual.’ Naturally, the boys became as hard as rocks. They were not allowed to cover, either. Every visitor was to be allowed to see every boy’s penis.

“Sometimes the visitors arrived a vanload at a time, and that drove every boy but Jeffrey to the brink of insanity.

“Some of the mothers were alarmed when they saw their own sons. They had not had a full view of their sons since they were bathed and manicured, so they did not know what their sons looked like. Here is an example of what I’m talking about.”

Mrs. Stewart resumed with the video:

[Voices shouting “Family values! Family values!” are heard from outside.]

[LUKE’S MOTHER approaches Luke’s table.]

LUKE’S MOTHER: Luke, why didn’t you tell me you’ve been posing for all these beautiful photographs?

LUKE: You never asked me.

LUKE’S MOTHER: But didn’t it strike you as unusual?

LUKE: No, I thought all boys had to pose nude in English class.

LUKE’S MOTHER: But you look positively gorgeous!

LUKE: All right, if that’s what you say. I’ve never thought of myself that way before.

LUKE’S MOTHER: This may sound dumb, but I would like to cuddle up with you. I’m going to swipe your pajamas so you can’t wear them anymore. When you get out of the bath, you will dry yourself off, walk downstairs just like you are now, and crawl in my lap. Then we can cuddle together until you fall asleep.

[Luke readily agrees.]

Mrs. Stewart stopped the video again. “We also meet Ariel’s mother, Ariel’s little sister Rachel, Abigail’s mother, and Abigail’s little sister Roza. They arrived in the same carpool.”

Mrs. Stewart resumed the video:

ARIEL’S MOTHER: Why didn’t you tell me you were growing pubic hair?

ARIEL: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize that was headline news.

ARIEL’S MOTHER: Maybe not, but from now on, I’m going to look at your gorgeous body every chance I can get. When you get home, I want you to go to your room, take everything off, walk into the kitchen or wherever I am, and give me a kiss. And that’s the way I want you to stay all weekend. If we have guests, they will see you just like you are now. Is that understood?

[Ariel readily agrees.]

ABIGAIL’S MOTHER [having been waiting throughout the interchange]: Finally I get to meet the real you!

RACHEL: Why is your thing sticking up?

ROZA: Yeah, why is it sticking up like that?

ARIEL: It sticks up whenever I’m excited—especially when I see beautiful women and beautiful girls, like Rachel and Roza.

RACHEL: Does it hurt?

ARIEL: No, it doesn’t hurt, but it feels very tense.

ROZA: Can I feel it?

ARIEL: Why, certainly!

ROZA [taking a cautious feel]: What’s this?

ARIEL: That’s called a scrotum.

ROZA: Can I feel it?

ARIEL: Certainly. Careful, now, careful careful careful, OUCH!

RACHEL: What does the scrotum do?

ARIEL: It creates little bitty things called sperms. The sperms travel up through the penis and go inside a mommy’s body, and that’s how cute little children like Rachel and Roza are born.

ROZA: Inside their mommy’s body?

ARIEL: That’s right.

RACHEL: I wasn’t born that way.

ARIEL: You weren’t? How were you born?

RACHEL: I was born in a hospital.

[The last line brings a chorus of laughter. Ariel realizes for the first time that the conversation had attracted an audience.]

[Ariel’s mother and Abigail’s mother have a whispered exchange.]

[The outside voices are no longer heard. Some unknown adults, both male and female, arrive on the scene. One of those adults is a man wearing a blue coat and a ten-gallon hat. They cursorily greet Mrs. Stewart and the students. They look through the photographs in the portfolios. The men show reluctance to shake hands with the boys and the women show reluctance to receive affection from the boys. The unknown visitors quickly leave.]

ABIGAIL’S MOTHER: I hate to cut in, but Ariel, are you busy on Tuesdays and Thursdays after school?

ARIEL: Not at all.

ABIGAIL’S MOTHER: We need a good assistant.

ARIEL: Then I’ll wear my grubbies. Abigail says I look nice in my grubbies.

ABIGAIL’S MOTHER: You don’t even need that.

ARIEL: What do I need, then?

ABIGAIL’S MOTHER: Not a thing. In my book, you are fully dressed like you are now. If you’re going to give every requested piggyback ride, if you’re going to chase every child who teases you, if you’re going to tickle fight every child who wants attention, you’re going to be active. You can’t come dressed in Brooks Brothers.

[The other members of the class look at each other in awe and wonder, commenting “Isis has ESP!”]

RACHEL and ROZA: TV aerial, TV aerial!

[Rachel and Roza run out into the hallway. Ariel chases them down the hallway, much to the amusement of everyone present.]

[JASON’S MOTHER and ISIS’ MOTHER arrive at Jason’s table.]

JASON’S MOTHER: So! This is the Isis that I’ve heard so much about!

ISIS’ MOTHER: So! This is the Jason that I’ve heard so much about!

[Jason’s Mother and Isis’ Mother have a whispered interchange. Jason’s Mother takes a notepad out of her handbag, writes on his, and hands one page to Isis’ mother. Isis’ mother did the same.]

ISIS: Something tells me the four of us will see a lot of each other.

JASON’S MOTHER: Yes, and I’m determined that we will see a lot of Jason. [bending down to Jason’s level] Jason, when Isis is at our house, you’re going to be naked. Do you understand?

JASON: Yes, Mom.

JASON’S MOTHER: And when we’re at Isis’ house, you’re going to go naked. Do you understand?

JASON: Yes, Mom.

Mrs. Stewart told the audience, “And here are Ruan’s two sisters.” The next clip showed Frasquita, Frasquita’s Mother, Mercedes, Mercedes’ Mother, and Koen’s two sisters at Ruan’s table.

FIRST SISTER: I want you to stay that way. Because I want to introduce you to all the girls I know.

KOEN: Oh, no, please! These two girls here are about all I can handle.

SECOND SISTER: Right now, I wish you weren’t my brother. Because right now I’d rather go steady with you.

KOEN: Nice of you to say that, but I stay busy enough going steady with these two.

Mrs. Stewart turned the video projector back on. The open house is winding down. Some of the students and parents have stayed to help Mrs. Stewart clean up. The refreshment table had just been cleared.

MRS. STEWART: Now we need to fold the table up. Let’s turn the table on its side, nice and easy like.

[Mrs. Stewart and one of the parents lay the table on its side.]

PARENT: Hey! What’s this under the table?

MRS. STEWART [taking a close look]: I don’t know. It looks like an electronic bug. Let’s look under all the other furniture and see what we find.

[Parents and students look under the other furniture and find more electronic bugs.]

/// interrogatives

Mrs. Stewart put the video projector on pause. “After the open house, there were still a few more days left in the school year. So there was time to squeeze in a few more grammatical points. It was disappointing that we couldn’t do any more work that we could show in the open house, but at least we can show that work here.”

The next title card defined INTERROGATIVE as “the form of a sentence which is used for asking questions.”

The video scene showed Mrs. Stewart in her English class.

MRS. STEWART: Does anyone have any suggestions of how we can demonstrate interrogatives?

ISIS [raising her hand]: I’d like to do something homey and cozy. A title card could ask “Is such-and-such a boy wearing any clothes?” And in the next slide, we see the boy either at home or anywhere else away from school, and the caption will say “No, such-and-such a boy is not wearing any clothes.”

MRS. STEWART: That’s an interesting suggestion, Isis. Can you tell us how you came up with this idea?

ISIS: Embarrassing the boys was a lot of fun, and those penis close-ups were nasty and exciting, but there is a soft and peaceful side to nudity too. I’ve been taking care of Jason, and his mom and my mom have taken a lot of pictures which I would like to share, and if there are other pictures which anyone else would like to share, I’d like to see them too. If you want to show someone’s whole body, fine. If you don’t, fine. If you want to show your penis, fine. If you don’t fine. Do the rest of you think this is a good idea?

[JEFFREY, ABIGAIL, ARIEL, MADDY, and LUKE express agreement.]

KOEN: Count me out. I’m not sharing my baby pictures with all YOU dorks!

ABIGAIL: Koen, I think we can struggle along somehow without you.

MADDY: I think so too.

Mrs. Stewart had quite a variety of slides to show her audience. The first title slide read “Is Jeffrey wearing any clothes?” The next few slides read “No, Jeffrey is not wearing any clothes.” Those slides showed Jeffrey giving horsey rides, reading picture books, blowing soap bubbles, and playing board games with his likewise nude sister.

Ariel proved to be comparably skilled in entertaining the younger age group. One picture showed him rolling a ball with boys who wanted to be like him and were therefore nude. Another picture showed Ariel presenting the girls with a visual tour of his boy parts. Another picture showed him chasing the children. One could almost hear the strains of “TV aerial, TV aerial.”

Luke had made certain that someone was snapping the camera while a naked Luke kissed his mother, a naked Luke kissed his sister, a naked Luke kissed his aunt, and a naked Luke kissed his grandmother.

As promised, Isis had plenty of pictures of Jason. One picture showed Jason on the jungle gym. That picture showed his bottom. That picture showed his bottom. Another picture showed Jason doing a somersault. That picture showed his bottom. Another picture showed Jason getting embraced by Isis. That picture showed his bottom.

/// rhetorical question

From the next title card, Mrs. Stewart read the definition of a RHETORICAL QUESTION, which was “a question asked in order to create a dramatic effect or to make a point rather than to get an answer.”

On the next video clip:

MRS. STEWART: This is a special kind of a question. And what’s another word for “question”?

CLASS: Interrogative!

MRS. STEWART: You’re right on! Any ideas on how we can demonstrate this particular kind of question?

ABIGAIL: I have an idea. Tomorrow the girls will come dressed like it’s Easter Sunday. Then you’ll take pictures of us in pairs. Koen will pose with his lovely harem, Jeffrey will bring a picture from home, Ariel will pose with me, Luke will pose with Maddy, and Jason will pose with Isis.

MRS. STEWART: And how will the rhetorical question come in?

ABIGAIL: You’ll put a caption on each picture which says, “Are Mrs. Stewart’s students nicer or do they just look that way?”

MADDY: And that’s a compound sentence as WELL as a rhetorical question.

MRS. STEWART: You’re right. It sure is.

FRASQUITA: You said the girls will dress in their finest clothes. Do you want the boys to dress in their finest clothes, too?

ABIGAIL: Goodness, no! If the boys wear clothes, we couldn’t see their bodies!

MADDY: Nuditate propter nuditatem.

FRASQUITA: Um, yeah. Right.

Mrs. Stewart showed the photographs in a series of slides. Koen is embracing Frasquita with one hand and Mercedes with the other. Jeffrey and his sister are seen in a smiling pose in their living room. Abigail and Ariel have their arms around each other, and likewise for Maddy and Luke. Jason is embracing Isis with his back to the camera.

In the next video clip:

[A WOMAN TEACHER comes in the classroom while Mrs. Stewart is finishing work on the photographs.]

WOMAN TEACHER: I see you’re burning midnight oil as usual.

MRS. STEWART: Yes, I just finished adding captions to the pictures which I took today.

WOMAN TEACHER: [reading one of the captions] “Are Mrs. Stewart’s students nicer or do they just look that way?” I don’t know either but they sure look that way.

/// swearing in of witnesses

Mrs. Stewart put the video projector on pause. “As you may have guessed from the last scene in the open house, the plot is going to get exciting. Before I start the video again, everyone hold on to your seats.”

Mrs. Stewart put the video projector on play:

[The scene opens to a courtroom. Mrs. Stewart is present, as are the students and their parents. James West, wearing a blue coat and a ten-gallon hat, is present, as are his followers. Enter BAILIFF.]

BAILIFF: All rise. [Everyone stands.] Oyez, oyez, oyez, this court is now in session, the Honorable John Tate Raulston presiding. [JUDGE RAULSTON enters and takes the bench.] You may be seated. [Everyone sits down.]

JUDGE RAULSTON: We will now hear the case of the West Burrowers versus Stewart. All witnesses please come forward.

[Luke, Ariel, Isis, Maddy’s Mother, Jason’s Mother, Mrs. Stewart, and Mr. West approach the bench.]

Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

WITNESSES [with their right hands raised]: I do.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The students and parents called upon as witnesses may leave the room.

[Luke, Ariel, Isis, Maddy’s Mother, and Jason’s Mother leave the room. Mrs. Stewart and Mr. West take their places.]

/// opening statements

JUDGE RAULSTON: Counsel for the Plaintiff may make their opening statement.

[Bryan stands.]

BRYAN: Your Honor, the counsel for the Plaintiff wishes to establish that the defendant did knowingly and willfully require all the male students of her English class to show themselves completely nude before herself and before the girls in the class. We wish to establish that this reprehensible behavior took place repeatedly. We wish to establish that such exhibition was involuntary on the part of the boys. We wish to establish that the class was traumatizing for the boys both in the short run and in the long run. We wish to establish that such risqué activity was inappropriate for what was to supposed to be a language arts class. We wish to establish that such immorality should not be tolerated! We wish to establish that such licentiousness is eating away at the very foundation of—

JUDGE RAULSTON: Very well, Mr. Bryan, the Court sees your point. Counsel for the defense may make an opening statement.

[Bryan sits down. Darrow stands.]

DARROW: Your Honor, the counsel for the defense wishes to establish that our client’s English class was productive in both the cognitive sense and in the affective sense. As a demonstration of this claim, we have brought enough copies of the school literary annual to share with the jury. I move that Defense Exhibit A be admitted into evidence.

[Darrow hands the copies to Judge Raulston, who looks over one of the copies.]

/// questioning of the prosecutor

JUDGE RAULSTON: Very well. [hands the copies to the Bailiff] These copies will be passed out to the jury at the end of the hearing. Plaintiff, call your first witness.

[Bryan stands.]

BRYAN: We wish to call James West to the stand.

[James West takes the witness stand.]

JUDGE RAULSTON: Mr. West, as long as you are in the court room, the Court will have to ask you to take your hat off.

WEST: Yes, Your Honor. [removes his hat]

BRYAN: Mister West, you are the leader of a group which you call the West Burrowers, is that correct?

WEST: That is correct.

BRYAN: Can you tell the Court what kind of work the group is engaged in?

WEST: We fight for common decency. We fight evil and corruption wherever we see it.

BRYAN: And how did your group become aware of the activity in Mrs. Stewart’s class?

WEST: We saw the flyers announcing their open house.

BRYAN: And did you bring a copy of that flyer?

WEST: I did. [hands the flyer to Bryan]

BRYAN: [reads the flyer] And you were concerned because the class was involving nudity in mixed company, is that correct?

WEST: That is correct. Public nudity is immoral! It is indecent! It is an affront to this great nation of ours! It is—

JUDGE RAULSTON: Thank you, Mr. West, the Court understands.

[Bryan hands the flyer to JUDGE RAULSTON.]

JUDGE RAULSTON: [reads the flyer and hands it to the Bailiff] The Bailiff will copy this flyer and the copies will be passed out to the jury at the end of the hearing.

BRYAN: How did you and your group respond to this announcement?

WEST: We picketed the event outside. We made a brief visit to investigate. Inside the classroom, we saw five nude boys greeting visitors of both genders, and we saw nude photographs of those boys on the wall. We saw nude photographs of those same boys displayed in folders on the desks. After what we saw, we returned outside and held a prayer vigil to repent any lusty thoughts which we could be feeling as a result of that encounter.

BRYAN: Your Honor, I have no further questions.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Counsel for the defense may question the witness.

DARROW: Mr. West, you say you’re in the business of fighting evil and corruption. You regard public nudity as evil and corrupt?

WEST: Yes, I do.

DARROW: What leads you to that opinion?

WEST: Public nudity induces lust. Such feelings should be reserved only for married couples. Yet those five male students were displayed to their girl classmates and to numerous visitors of all ages and both genders. Since the male students were not of marriageable age, I feel safe in assuming that no persons in that room were married to any of those five male students. [laughter in the court room]

JUDGE RAULSTON: [banging his gavel] There will be order in the court room! Mr. Darrow, do you have any further questions of this witness?

DARROW: No further questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Mr. Bryan, do you wish to redirect the witness?

BRYAN: No, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The witness may step down.

BRYAN: I wish to call Mrs. Stewart to the stand.

/// questioning of the defendant

BRYAN: Mrs. Stewart, we will start by seeing how much we agree on. You teach an English class at the local school. Is that correct?

MRS. STEWART: That is correct.

BRYAN: There are five boys and five girls in that class. Is that correct?

MRS. STEWART: That is correct.

BRYAN: And on a number of occasions, you have found it necessary to ask the boys to appear completely nude in the presence of you and the girls. Is that correct?

MRS. STEWART: That is correct.

BRYAN: But this is most unusual. For hundreds of years, teachers have managed to teach their students without calling for any nudity. But we understand that you justify all this nudity with some brainy three-point theory of yours. If you wish, you may tell the Court about these three points, and we will see how much validity is in those three points.

MRS. STEWART: I thank you. The first point is that education should relate to the student’s own experience. Take for instance the term “parallelism.” This term means “the repetition of a grammatical element.” A conventional textbook might show a picture of three dogs with a caption reading “Spot is a dog, Fido is a dog, Rover is a dog.”

But this would not mean anything to a student. Those three dogs don’t really exist and the student knows that. The student will be more interested in people who are living right here and right now. That is why we called on Jeffrey, Ariel, and Luke to serve as models instead of Spot, Fido, and Rover.

BRYAN: And that is your first point.

MRS. STEWART: That is correct.

BRYAN: Are you ready to go on to your second point?

MRS. STEWART: I am. You are probably wondering if my three charming, debonair students posed fully dressed, and if not, why not.

BRYAN: Indeed I am.

MRS. STEWART: That brings us to the second point. The three students posed nude because a student at this age is carrying a veritable cauldron of raging hormones. Nudity can start these hormones flowing and to serving as a very powerful motivator.

BRYAN: That is something we can all agree on. Now can you tell us about your third point?

MRS. STEWART: The third point which I wish to put across is that education should be student-directed. That way, we are assured that the instruction will cover what the students can understand and what appeals to the students’ emotions.

At the beginning of the lesson, I gave the definition of a term which was to be discussed that day. One of the students gave us the origin of the term and another student gave us a historical example. That historical example was not from the student’s own experience, but was significant in that it was a suggestion made by a student. The nude posing of the three boys was suggested by girl admirers of the boys, not by me.

BRYAN: Mrs. Stwart, do you admit that you admire the male students’ bodies, just like the girl students do?

MRS. STEWART: Yes, I admit that.

BRYAN: Do you realize that predators also admire children’s bodies?

DARROW: Objection, Your Honor. Counsel for the Plaintiff is making a

false equivalence, meaning the implication that two subjects are considered the same because of one common trait. According to that line of reasoning, anyone who likes Wagner’s music is anti-Semitic because Hitler liked Wagner’s music and Hitler was anti-Semitic.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Sustained.

BRYAN: There is another item which concerns the Plaintiff. Mrs. Stewart, you realize that the students you are teaching are not adults, don't you?

STEWART: Yes, I realize that.

BRYAN: And you realize that there are some things which children are not ready for?

STEWART: Yes.

BRYAN: The Plaintiff does not believe that children of that age are ready for kissing and nudity.

STEWART: And why not?

BRYAN: Because kissing and nudity are involved in adult relationships.

STEWART: They are also involved in everyone's relationships—and that's from infancy on up.

DARROW: Objection, Your Honor. Here we have another false equivalence.

RAULSTON: Sustained.

BRYAN: We will move on to another concern, then. Mrs. Stewart, I am sure that this frivolity has been quite thrilling for both the boys and the girls. But let me remind you that you were hired by the people of this community for the purpose of teaching language arts. Our case contends that the thrill and excitement could have blinded the students to the subject matter of the course. Can you please address that concern?

MRS. STEWART: Indeed, I can. I have with me the official standardized scores of the students in my class. These scores are compared with those of the students Statewide, broken down by both grade level and demographic data. [offers to hand a paper to Bryan. Bryan refuses it. Darrow steps forward, receives it and hands it to Judge Raulston, who accepts it.]

DARROW: Your Honor, I wish for this flyer to be presented as Defense Exhibit B.

JUDGE RAULSTON: [looks at one copy of the handout] Very well. [hands the copies to the Bailiff] This item will be copied and passed out to the jury at the end of the hearing.

BRYAN: No further questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Mr. Darrow, do you have any questions?

DARROW: No questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The witness may step down.

[Mrs. Stewart steps down.]

/// questioning of witnesses for the defense

BRYAN: I would like to call Luke to the stand.

[Bailiff brings Luke into the court room and directs him to the witness stand.]

Luke, my client understands that you were one of several students who were required to pose nude in Mrs. Stewart’s class. Is that correct?

LUKE: That is correct.

BRYAN: How did you usually feel about that?

LUKE: I kinda liked it. I always thought that it would be naughty for me to let people see me with no clothes on. And I thought I was naughty for even wanting to.

Then I felt a big relief. Here, all of a sudden, people were WANTING to see me with no clothes on!

And it was coming from the older generation! The generation I look up to! Telling me that it’s ALL RIGHT to show my body!

BRYAN: My client also understands that certain grammatical rules were taught in that class, and that illustrating those grammatical rules served as a pretext for requiring all this nudity. Is that correct?

LUKE [frowning]: I’m not sure what you mean.

BRYAN: Very well. I’ll give an example. Do you remember a lesson on the word “ambiguity”?

LUKE: Yes.

BRYAN: Would you care to tell us about it?

LUKE: Mrs. Stewart asked Abigail and Maddy how many penises Ariel and I had. Abigail said one and Maddy said two. The two girls acted confused over whether we shared one penis, had one penis each, or had two penises each. Mrs. Stewart said that she was also unsure, so Mrs. Stewart had us take our clothes off so everyone could find out.

BRYAN: That is all very amusing, but it seems to me that Mrs. Stewart could have gotten the point across another way. What if the first girl student said that you and this other male student had ten toes. And what if the other girl student said that you and this other male student had twenty toes. Then they could pretend to wonder whether the two of you shared ten toes, had ten toes each, or had twenty toes each. Wouldn’t that get the point across?

LUKE: I guess it would, but it wouldn’t be as thrilling. This way I got to pose nude.

BRYAN: I’ll give another example, then. Do you recall a lesson on rhymes?

LUKE: Yes, I do.

BRYAN: Did Mrs. Stewart take two pictures of you for that lesson?

LUKE: Yes, she did. She took a full-length portrait and a picture of my penis.

BRYAN: And how did you understand that experience?

LUKE: I learned that “penis” rhymes with “Venus.”

BRYAN: Couldn’t she have almost as easily demonstrated that “hand” rhymes with “band?”

LUKE: I guess she could, but it wouldn’t be so special. This time, my penis got special attention.

BRYAN: But are you aware that other people could find those photographs offensive?

LUKE: Apparently not some of the members of the West Burrowers. Some of them came in and took a nice long look at those photographs.

[The gallery laughs. Judge Raulston bangs his gavel.]

LUKE: Your Honor, I apologize for that remark. I realize that I just committed a “tu quoque” fallacy. Even if we prove that a believer’s feelings or behavior contradicts his or her belief, that does not disprove the belief.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The Court thanks the witness for that apology. The Court asks for that remark to be stricken.

BRYAN: Your Honor, I have no further questions of this witness.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Mr. Darrow, you may question the witness.

DARROW: Luke, can you tell us a little bit about how the class has influenced you outside of the classroom?

LUKE: Now I feel more free to be myself. As soon as I get home from school, I throw my clothes off and I kiss my mother with no clothes on. I kiss my sister with no clothes on. When relatives come to the house, I kiss my aunt, I kiss my girl cousins, and I kiss my grandmother with no clothes on. Before I took the class, I couldn’t even bring myself to kiss my female relatives, much less let them see me with no clothes on.

DARROW: No further questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Very well, the witness may step down.

[Luke steps down.]

BRYAN: Your Honor, I wish to call Ariel to the stand.

[Bailiff brings Ariel into the court room and directs him to the witness stand.]

BRYAN: Ariel, we understand that the semester started with you having to undress in front of the whole class. Is that right?

ARIEL: That is right.

BRYAN: How did you understand that experience?

ARIEL: I understood that as a nude model I was a nude, which is a noun, and that I was nude, which is an adjective, and that I was posing nude, which is an adverb.

BRYAN: I’ll rephrase that. How did you feel at the time?

ARIEL: It's hard to put in words. It was a little bit frightening and a little bit exciting. It was like going out on the stage to sing a solo. It was also like being on a team and going out on the field. And as a case in point, it was like going on a witness stand and testifying.

BRYAN: How did you feel about that memory afterward? Did you have any bad dreams about it? Did you lose your appetite?

ARIEL: I thought it was kinda funny.

BRYAN: No further questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Counsel for the defense may question the witness.

DARROW: You just said that you "thought it was kinda funny." Could you describe that a little further?

ARIEL: I got together with Abigail and we pieced together the whole thing. We wrote down Mrs. Stewart’s said as well as we could remember them. Then we rehearsed the whole thing. Abigail pretended to be Mrs. Stewart. Then we put the whole thing on for my family and Abigal’s family.

BRYAN: And how did your audience react?

ARIEL: They laughed and clapped.

DARROW: Counsel for defense understands that your nudity in Mrs. Stewart’s class has led to some gainful employment. Is that right??

ARIEL: That is right. My mother and Abigail’s mother operate a day care center. They asked me to work as a teaching assistant at the center and to report for work nude. They said my nudity would serve as a model for the boys. Not only would the boys be happier, but it would eliminate the problem of their clothes getting torn or their clothes getting dirty.

DARROW: And what sort of activities do you do with the children?

ARIEL: A lot of things. I read picture books to them, I help in arts and crafts activities, and I sing songs with them. Outside on the playground, I push them on the swings and on the merry-go-round. But most of all, I roughhouse with the kids on the playground.

DARROW: You say you “roughhouse with the kids.” Could you please explain that?

ARIEL: They call me a TV aerial. I pretend I’m insulted, so I chase them and tickle them.

DARROW: So you do the same things that are normally done at a child care center, except for that one difference.

ARIEL: Usually. The girls, and sometimes the boys, like to feel my body to find out what my body feels like.

DARROW: Your Honor, no further questions.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The witness may step down.

[Ariel steps down.]

DARROW: Your Honor, I wish to call Maddy’s Mother to the stand.

[Bailiff brings Maddy’s Mother into the court room and directs her to the witness stand.]

DARROW: The defense party understands that your daughter is quite gifted as an artist, is that correct?

MADDY’S MOTHER: If I must say so, yes.

DARROW: And have you have seen some of drawings which she created not only in art class but in Mrs. Stewart’s English class?

MADDY’S MOTHER: I have. I have seen remarkable improvement. Maddy has obviously had a great deal of practice in drawing the male nude.

DARROW: And this skill has developed into a part-time business.

MADDY’S MOTHER: Yes, it has. She has been getting all kinds of business. Mothers have asked for portraits drawn of their sons. This past holiday season, some mothers have had the pictures printed on their holiday cards.

In the adolescent age group, some boys have had portraits drawn as presents for their girlfriends. Also, some girls have ordered portraits of their boyfriends. Sometimes a girl forgot to tell her boyfriend about the deal, so that resulted in a surprise for everybody when my daughter showed up at the boyfriend’s house.

So far, the most lucrative job has been when a group of mothers pooled together to have a picture drawn of their sons’ scout troop.

DARROW: Would you say that this has been a worthwhile experience for your daughter?

MADDY’S MOTHER: Yes, it has. She has been developing management skills, she has been developing public relation skills, and she has been earning money.

I want the money spent wisely, so I put it all in her college fund.

DARROW: Your Honor, no further questions.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The Plaintiff may cross-examine the witness.

BRYAN: Maddy’s Mother, has it occurred to you that posing as a nude subject could be traumatic for the subject, especially a subject who is not yet fully grown?

MADDY’S MOTHER: Yes, that occurred to me at first.

BRYAN: But that thought does not occur to you now?

MADDY’S MOTHER: No, it does not.

BRYAN: And why is that, if I may ask?

MADDY’S MOTHER: Because I have been present at every one of those sittings.

And the boy’s mother is also usually present.

BRYAN: So a boy, anywhere between three years old and eighteen years old, is trapped in a room, without a stitch of clothes on, in front of his own mother, but a girl probably his own age and one that he probably never saw before, and another woman probably his mother’s age, that he probably never saw before either.

MADDY’S MOTHER: Yes, at first, I was concerned about that.

BRYAN: You say that you WERE concerned. But you’re not concerned now?

MADDY’S MOTHER: No, I’m not.

BRYAN: And why is that?

MADDY’S MOTHER: Because of the lovely way with which Maddy puts the boy at ease. She deals with the boy very respectfully. She compliments the boy on his looks and tells him how privileged she is to have a good luck at such a fine young man.

In case the boy is afraid to have his genitals drawn, Maddy has a lot of other alternatives. She suggests any number of side and rear poses, both standing and seated, in which the boy’s genitals are not shown. She also sometimes draws a smiling facial portrait showing the boy’s boobies, like some of the portraits we saw in Mrs. Stewart’s class.

BRYAN: And you say that these measures put the subject at ease?

MADDY’S MOTHER: They certainly do. Nine times out of ten, the subject ends up asking for a full-length frontal portrait anyway.

BRYAN: It seems to me that a girl your daughter’s age and in your daughter’s line of business would see a few erections.

MADDY’S MOTHER: More than a few.

BRYAN: And your daughter can reverse an erection just by saying hello, I’m glad to meet you?

MADDY’S MOTHER: Often that helps, but if it doesn’t, she has a lot of other tricks up her sleeve. She sometimes hides the boy’s erection with just the right pose. Like I say, she has quite a collection of side views and rear views, both standing and sitting.

And besides that, sometimes she asks the boy if he would like to be drawn that way. If he says yes, she might make a full-length drawing of the boy with an erect penis.

Sometimes the boy just asks for a close-up drawing of his erect penis. In such a case, Maddy is willing to comply.

Also, Maddy carries around a supply of tissues. She might say, “Would you like to use these tissues? We’ll step out of the room, and you can call us back when you’re ready.”

BRYAN: How do Maddy’s subjects usually seem to feel later?

MADDY’S MOTHER: You never can tell. She’s had some awfully bashful subjects who later proved anything BUT bashful. They told their friends, and then THEIR friends told THEIR friends, until she’s serving clients all over the neighborhood.

BRYAN: No further questions.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The Defense may question the witness.

DARROW: No questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The witness may step down.

[Maddy’s Mother steps down.]

BRYAN: Your Honor, I wish to call Isis to the stand.

[Bailiff brings Isis into the court room and directs her to the witness stand.]

BRYAN: Isis, we understand that you have had a great deal of contact with a male student named Jason. Is that right?

ISIS: That is right.

BRYAN: And Jason at first indicated that he was unwilling to take his clothes off in Mrs. Stewart’s class, is that right?

ISIS: That is right.

BRYAN: And are you not concerned that such a frightening experience could be harmful for a child?

ISIS: Not really. Taking a penicillin shot is frightening. Diving into the water is frightening. Taking a test is frightening.

DARROW: Objection, Your Honor. If the Plaintiff wishes to know about Jason, the Plaintiff should question Jason, not Isis.

BRYAN: Your Honor, the Plaintiff is concerned about what is good for the children. We are concerned that any child who was traumatized by the nudity in the defendant’s classroom could also be traumatized by a court room hearing.

[Jason approaches Darrow and whispers.]

DARROW: Your Honor, the male student just mentioned informed me that he would like to swear in as a witness.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Very well, then, the witness may step down. The new witness may approach the bench.

[Isis steps down.]

[Jason approaches the bench.]

Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

WITNESSES [with his right hand raised]: I do.

BRYAN: Your Honor, I wish to call Jason to the stand.

[Isis steps down and Jason takes the witness stand.]

BRYAN: Jason, you have had many dealings with the young lady who just stepped down from the witness stand, is that correct?

JASON: That is correct.

BRYAN: And how would you describe your feelings toward the young lady?

JASON: I am very fond of her. I wanted to call her my girlfriend, but she says she’s not my girlfriend.

BRYAN: And did you feel rejected because of that?

JASON: At first I did, but she explained. She said she couldn’t be my girlfriend because she’s so much older than I am.

BRYAN: But I thought you and she were in the same class.

JASON: We are, but I skipped a couple of grades. Everyone else is the class is two years older than I am.

BRYAN: So you skipped two grades! You must be a very bright boy!

JASON: Thank you.

BRYAN: If you could describe Isis in just one word, and given that the one word could not be “girlfriend,” what would that one word be?

JASON: Babysitter.

BRYAN: Does your mother hire Isis to take care of you?

JASON: Yes, she does.

BRYAN: Does your mother give you any reason for this choice?

JASON: My mother recently became convinced that nudity is an essential part of a boy’s upbringing, so she wants a babysitter who understands.

BRYAN: So you are always nude in the presence of Isis?

JASON: Always. My mother made a rule that I am to be nude by the time Isis comes to our house and to remain nude until the time she leaves.

BRYAN: And how do you spend that time? Does she do anything that she could not do if you were not nude?

JASON: Like give me a bath? No, that’s taken care of before she arrives.

BRYAN: No, I mean some way that she can take advantage to her access to your private parts, such as—

DARROW: Objection, Your Honor. Counsel for the Plaintiff is making a cheap shot. He is hoping to find something which is not already in evidence.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Sustained.

BRYAN: I indeed was stepping out of line, and I appreciate Mr. Darrow for pointing that out to me. I shall rephrase the question by simply asking you spend the time.

JASON: We do a lot of things. We play games like checkers and chess. We talk about kids at school that we think are creeps and kids that we don’t think are creeps.

BRYAN: And all this time, you are naked in front of Isis.

JASON: That’s right.

BRYAN: Has she ever done anything or said anything which led you to believe that she enjoys seeing you naked?

JASON: Yes, she has. Sometimes she just sits and looks at me. She says I have beautiful eyes and beautiful hair. She says my skin is beautiful and my whole body is beautiful. She says I have a cute penis and a cute butt. She says she wishes more girls could see me that way.

BRYAN: I take it this all takes place indoors.

JASON: No, Isis says boys should be nude outdoors too. She says boys need the fresh air and need the sun. So we go out to the backyard. Sometimes we chase each other and sometimes we play badminton.

BRYAN: How did you react the first time Isis took you outside nude?

JASON: I was scared. I asked, “Don’t you think someone will see me?” She said, “I sure hope so.”

BRYAN: While Isis is taking care of you, do you have any other visitors?

JASON: Yes, sometimes boys in the neighborhood come over, too.

BRYAN: And do they tease you because you don’t have any clothes on?

JASON: No, they don’t. Sometimes I think Isis is magic. She can charm the clothes off any boy she wants to! I think the longest a boy ever kept his clothes on in front of Isis was about five minutes.

BRYAN: And how does Isis react once the boy has his clothes off?

JASON: She tells them how nice they look. She also says, “Oh, how nice! You’re going to give me a stiffie! Jason never gives me any stiffies anymore.”

BRYAN: And how do you spend your time when boys come over?

JASON: Sometimes we wrestle. I’m not very good at that, but I’m learning. Sometimes we go out to the driveway and play basketball. I’m not very good at that either, but I’m learning.

BRYAN: So you and the boys go out to the driveway with no clothes on?

JASON: Yes.

BRYAN: How do the boys react?

JASON: At first, they’re scared. They ask, “Don’t you think someone will see us?” And Isis says, “I sure hope so!”

BRYAN: Have you ever had to be naked in the presence of any adults?

JASON: When my mother is going out or coming in with friends, the all get a good look at me. The women usually say, “Oh, isn’t he a handsome young man! Someday he’ll have to beat them off with a stick!”

BRYAN: And how do the men respond, seeing a young lad nude in mixed company?

JASON: Ooooh, you don’t know Isis! They can’t keep their clothes on either! I don’t see how she does it. She’s even gotten my mother’s boyfriends to undress, and that includes boyfriends that SHE couldn’t get to undress!

BRYAN: Can you recall the exact words which Isis uses when she makes this request?

JASON: Her usual line is, “Could you please take your clothes off? I want to have an idea of what Jason will look like when he’s your age.” But she has other lines too. She always knows which line fits the occasion.

BRYAN: And then how does Isis respond once the man has his clothes off?

JASON: She says how nice he looks with all his body hair and pubic hair, and says how nice I’m going to look which I’m an adult. But then she is probably afraid that I think she likes adult men better than she likes me, because she says, “But for now, I like Jason the way he is now.” Then she gives me a big hug.

Isis is nice to everybody, even people that she can wind around her finger.

BRYAN: But how about girls? Do girls ever come to your house?

JASON: Yes. Even though Isis says she can’t be my girlfriend, she wants me to have a girlfriend. She says every boy should have a girlfriend.

One time I let it leak out that I had a crush on a girl my own age. Isis got on the phone and told the girl exactly what I said. After she hung up, she said, “She’s going to come over right now and you’re going stay right here in the living room, exactly the way you are right now, and you’re going to greet her with a kiss.”

BRYAN: Then what?

JASON: The girl came over and she brought two friends. I had to stand in front of all three girls perfectly naked and I had to kiss all three girls on the cheek. Isis asked me, “How come you’re giving THEM a stiffie? You never give ME stiffies anymore!”

BRYAN: And was that the only time other girls came over?

JASON: No, we have frequent girl visitors.

BRYAN: And how do you spend time with the girls?

JASON: I feel comfortable with girls’ games. We have jump ropes at my house, so we go outside and play double Dutch and helicopter. Sometimes the girls like to see if I can beat all of them together in a game of tug of war.

BRYAN: Your mother and Isis must be very careful not to have both boys and girls come over at the same time.

JASON: No, both boys AND girls come over for homework help. I have a reputation for being a brainio. Whether I am or not is not for me to say.

I keep right on kissing every girl who comes over and wrestling with every boy who comes over.

BRYAN: Doesn’t all this nudity create an awkward situation?

JASON: Not really. Some of the boys come just to run around naked. And some of the girls come just to see the boys running around naked.

When that happens, we go out to the backyard and play tag. Sometimes the boys chase the girls. When a boy grabs a girl, he kisses her. The girls say they don’t want to be kissed, but they keep playing anyway.

Sometimes the girls chase the boys. A girl gets one point if she can touch a boy’s butt and two points if she can touch a boy’s penis. The boys say they don’t like it, but they keep playing anyway.

BRYAN: No more questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The Defense may question the witness.

DARROW: No questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The witness may step down.

[Jason steps down.]

/// closing arguments

JUDGE RAULSTON: Any further questions from the Plaintiff? [Bryan shakes his head.] Any further questions from the defense? [Darrow shakes his head.] Very well, then, counsel for the Plaintiff may make their closing arguments.

[Bryan faces the jury.]

BRYAN: Ladies and gentlemen, it should go without saying that public nudity is indecent. If you tried to come to this session with no clothes on, you would get arrested. If I tried to come to this session with no clothes on, I would get arrested. Yet what we have here is a case of a person overstepping the bounds of decency.

Why is it indecent? Because nobody else does it! You don’t see people going naked on the street, you don’t see people going naked in the supermarket or in the drugstore, and until now, you never heard of a student going naked in English class.

Wearing clothes is a long-standing tradition, and we hope that you will join us in preserving this time-honored tradition.

Of course, we don’t wish to go to extremes. I would not want anyone to jump into a swimming pool with a coat and tie on, and I don’t think any of my clients would either.

You heard the teacher and the parents and the kids talk about how much fun they all had in the class. Fun is for Disneyland, fun is for Six Flags, but fun has no place in the schools. When I went to school, I worked hard and I learned something. And that is exactly what I want the children of today to do. I want them to work hard and learn something. And I say that because I love the children of today. I don’t want them to grow up and finally wish that they HAD learned something.

You all heard those impressive-sounding theories of why the defendant had to take all those filthy pictures, but common sense tells you that she was doing nothing more than acting out her own hang-ups. And there is no telling what she will do if she ever gets any privacy. Someday the school bus might break down and only one student will show up. What will happen to that one student is anybody’s guess.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Thank you, Mr. Bryan. Counsel for the defense may make their closing arguments.

[Bryan sits down.]

DARROW: Your Honor, a couple of our witnesses have offered to make a brief closing statement on behalf of the defense.

JUDGE RAULSTON: Very well. You may proceed.

[Luke and Maddy face the jury.]

LUKE: First, we wish to caution the jury against the “argumentum ad baculum.”

MADDY: Otherwise known as “argument to the cudgel” or the “fallacy of appealing to force.”

LUKE: Religious zealots are champions in using this argument.

MADDY: Convert our way or you will suffer the everlasting flames of Gehenna!

LUKE: But might does not always make right.

MADDY: For proof of this, just think of the many great men and women of history who had to suffer because of their convictions.

LUKE: Next, we wish to caution the jury against the “argumentum ad numerum.”

MADDY: Otherwise known as the “bandwagon fallacy.”

LUKE: This is the argument that a practice is acceptable or unacceptable because everyone else feels that way.

MADDY: This is a powerful argument which is often used in advertising.

LUKE: “Join the Pepsi generation!”

MADDY: “The Dodge rebellion wants you!”

LUKE: But this argument cannot always point you the right way.

MADDY: If a group of bullies gangs up on one person, that doesn’t mean it’s right.

LUKE: If the people vote a white-collar criminal into office, that doesn’t mean it’s right.

MADDY: And in the present case, if the majority opposes public nudity, that doesn’t mean public nudity is wrong.

LUKE: You may also have noticed the Plaintiff hinting around about the “argumentum ad antiquitatem,” or the “appeal to antiquity.”

MADDY: This is the argument that a belief or practice is right or wrong because “we’ve always done it that way.”

LUKE: No matter how long people believed that the sun revolved around the earth, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

MADDY: No matter how long people believed that the earth was flat, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

LUKE: No matter how long people believed that a woman’s place is in the home, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

MADDY: And in the present case, no matter how long people believed public nudity is wrong, that doesn’t mean it’s true.

LUKE: We would also like to caution you against the “argumentum ad temperantiam,” or the “middle ground fallacy.”

MADDY: Just because a suggestion is a compromise between two extremes doesn’t make it right.

LUKE: Suppose one person said the sky was blue.

MADDY: And suppose another person said the sky was yellow.

LUKE: Would you try to settle the argument by saying the sky is green? Of course not!

MADDY: But here’s an issue in which a lot of people say “we’re nice enough to compromise. Aren’t YOU nice enough to compromise?”

LUKE: They might say, “It’s all right for boys to leave their shirts off in warm weather, isn’t that good enough?”

MADDY: They might say, “It’s all right to wear shorts in the gym, isn’t that good enough?”

LUKE: They might say, “Nudity is all right in the art museum, isn’t that good enough?”

MADDY: And it isn’t! Nudity is all right anywhere!

LUKE: And now, we must caution you against The First Law of Dietetics.

MADDY: That law states that “if it tastes good, it's bad for you.”

LUKE: Our society has too long held the assumption that reading and writing and ‘rithmetic should be taught to the tune of the hickory stick.

MADDY: There was a story in the news about a school which had a special reading program. The program had to be cut out, though. Adults didn’t like the program because the children were enjoying reading.

LUKE: The adults thought students couldn’t learn anything which they enjoy.

MADDY: But those adults were wrong. In our case, a powerful motivator is always helpful. A powerful motivator has helped us, and our test scores have proved it.

LUKE: Finally, there is the “Bulverism,” or the “psychogenetic fallacy.”

MADDY: Bulver was a character created by a C. S. Lewis character. He alleged some psychological problem as the cause of anyone disagreeing with him.

LUKE: You saw the same principle in operation today. Mrs. Stewart thought naked boys should be seen in her class, so the prosecution thought she must have some deeply seated psychological motive.

MADDY: Let’s be consistent, then. If we’re going to go after Mrs. Stewart, then we should go after all the Renaissance artists who painted cherubs.

LUKE: We should go after all the greeting card companies for printing naked cupids.

MADDY: We should go after all the parents who take pictures of their children in the bathtub.

LUKE: We don’t know what manner of slimy and disgusting beelzebubs are swimming around in the deep recesses of Mrs. Stewart’s psyche, and neither does anyone else.

MADDY: We don’t care, either. It’s more constructive to deal with what is out here in the real world.

LUKE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we cannot tell you which verdict to cast, but we urge you to watch out for these treacherous fallacies. That is all we have to say.

JUDGE RAULSTON: The Court thanks these two fine young people for this most unusual closing statement. If there is no further word from either party, the jury may leave the court room for their deliberation.

[Bailiff hands out all three exhibits to each jury member while the jury files out.]

/// deliberation of the jury

Mrs. Stewart shut off the video projector. “And so the jury members discussed these weighty matters among themselves. They are probably spending some of the time looking through the literary magazine which were handed out by the Bailiff. So let’s pretend that we are jury members and that we are looking through the magazine. Here is an essay which was contributed by Isis.”

Mrs. Stewart read aloud the next several title cards, which read, “Someone once asked me for my opinion on boys’ clothes. What color did I like? What fabric did I like? I said, ‘The words ‘boys’ and ‘clothes’ should never be used in the same sentence.’

“Every boy has beautiful arms and legs and hands and feet—different from any other boy’s arms and legs and hands and feet, but beautiful nonetheless. Every boy has a beautiful torso, punctuated with two exquisite crimson icons—different from any other boy’s torso, but beautiful nonetheless.

“We get to see all these bountiful gifts at the swimming pool, but that is not enough. I have never understood why Society hides a boy’s wondrously mounded buttocks. Nor have I ever understood why Society hides that most glorious of all of God’s creations, that one gift which makes a boy a boy.

“Without the burden of clothes, you can see that every boy has not only an appearance, but a personality all of his own. I love the way every boy walks. The way every boy runs. The way every boy urinates. The way every boy talks to a girl. The way every boy smiles at a girl. The way every boy shows his penis to a girl.

“Dressing a boy is a greater sacrilege than draping a wall painting.

“Unfortunately, most boys do not realize how much they are admired by the girls. Girls, if you like the boy who sits next to you in class, tell him how pleasant it would be if he would attend school every day with no shirt on. If he complies, thank him and tell him now nice he looks.

“When you’re on the playground and you see a boy you like, whether you know the boy or not, walk up to him and ask him to take his clothes off. If he complies, thank him and tell him now nice he looks.

“In return, most girls do not realize how much they are admired by the boys. Boys, if you like the girl who sits next to you in class, ask her if she would like a kiss. If she says yes, give her a kiss. Perhaps you can make this a part of your regular schedule: give her a kiss first thing every morning and last thing every afternoon.

“When you’re on the playground and you see a girl you like, whether you know the girl or not, walk up to her and tell her she’s pretty. Then ask her if she would like a kiss. If she says yes, put your arm around her and deliver the promised kiss.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “Oddly enough, Koen had something profound to say.”

The next title card read, “Do you want excitement? Or do you want peace and quiet? Nudity offers both. We hear testimonies of communities where everyone else is naked—I mean nude. But I don’t see how that feeling could compares with the excitement which we got one time from playing outside on the playground when no one was naked but us.

“I know a person often gets teased for being naked, but when I play my cards right, I do the teasing.”

Mrs. Stewart commented, “Here is what Luke had to say.”

The next title card read, “Now that the secret is out, my mother knows what I look like, my sister knows what I look like, my aunt knows what I look like, and my grandmother knows what I look like. Whenever I see them, I have a feeling that is hard to describe.”

Mrs. Stuart told the gathering, “Sometimes I was a little worried about Jeffrey. I was afraid he would feel left out of the whole thing. But apparently, he felt enough like a part of the group to contribute something. Here is what he had to say.”

The next title card read, “A lot of people think they can’t go nude outdoors unless the weather is just right, but that is not the case. It is true that the warm rays of the sun feel good on the skin, but so does the cold winter air. So do the drops of rain and the flakes of snow. That is Nature’s gentle reminder that you are nude.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “Our next essay is from Abigail.”

The next title card read, “A girl says thank you when a boy holds a door open for her. A girl says thank you when a boy pulls a chair out for her. A girl says thank you when a boy tells her she’s pretty. These are all courtesies which make a girl feel appreciated as a girl. I think a girl should say thank you when a boy shows her his body. That makes a girl feel appreciated as a girl, too.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “Finally, here is a contribution from Ariel.”

The next title card read, “There is no feeling like the feeling of working at a day care center with no clothes on. The children feel my skin to learn what my skin feels like. The girls examine my genitals to learn what my genitals feel like. Boys follow my lead by leaving all their clothes at home. Hugs are always delightful, especially when they are bare skin against bare skin.”

Mrs. Stewart said, “And now, it’s time for the jury to make their return.”

/// the verdict

Mrs. Stewart turned on the video projector for one last time.

[A diagonal wipe shows the jury returning to the jury box. All jury members take their seats except for the Foreperson.]

FOREPERSON: Your Honor, the jury has unanimously decided that the defendant may continue to conduct her class as she has before. Furthermore, as owner and manager of the local Pizzeria, I just phoned my employees and asked them to throw a party for the defense party and their families, but under only one condition: every male between the ages of three and eighteen must enter the Pizzeria completely nude.

Mrs. Stewart showed snapshots of the students and parents enjoying the pizza party. An advertising sign in the background says, “Pizza tastes good and it’s good for you.”

She shut off both the video projector and the slide projector. “Nudity looks good and it’s good for you.”

/// afterword

I once had a part-time job with a small private middle school. One day, the school took a couple of hours off at a local park. The directress of the school rested in the grass and asked one of the boys, “Why don’t you take your shirt off and get a sun tan?”

This happened decades ago. Some people might see this as an insignificant event and not even remember it the next day. For me, however, this was quite significant. In all the years that I was growing up, no girl or woman ever asked me to take my shirt off. Like most other growing boys, I was told to take my clothes off to take a bath, to change clothes in the locker room, or to submit to a medical exam, but never just to be casual.

You may wonder, “Was the directress genuinely concerned about the boy’s diet of Vitamin D, or was she merely hungry for eye candy? I have often wondered how the sight of puerile skin affected a woman teacher, so I have also wondered the same thing.

Nevertheless, that one single utterance stuck as a fond memory for me, because it indicated that the boy was allowed, if not encouraged, to have feelings of immodesty.

In her book entitled “The Boy,” Germain Greer argues that it is normal for adult women to corporeally admire boys. Her book has been frequently mentioned in discussions on juvenile nudity.

Greer’s critics contend that she had an abnormal hang-up and that she was projecting that hang-up on the rest of womankind. Greer’s defendants contend that she was courageously telling the truth, and that her critics are merely shooting the messenger.

I don’t pretend to know whether Greer is normal or abnormal. But I do know that if a woman admires a boy’s anatomy, she could help immeasurably by letting that boy know.

When I was growing up, I may have dressed modestly, but that was only because I was taught that immodesty was evil. I secretly craved for a woman artist to take out her easel and palette and ask me to disrobe. That is why I call for more Germain Greer’s in the real world and more Mrs. Stewart’s in the fictional world.

Lest there be any misunderstanding, I make a distinction between nudity for children and sex for children. I advocate the former but not the latter.

I make this distinction on naturalistic grounds. Nature did not endow children with mature sex organs, but Nature DID endow children with naked bodies. It is noble to protect children from sexual abuse, but this can be accomplished without pretending that children don’t have bodies.

I also make this distinction from experience with children. I have worked with children as a babysitter, as a reading and math tutor, as a music teacher, and in many other roles. During all this time, I have had children ask me to look, I have had children ask me to show, and I have had children ask me for physical affection. Never once, however, has a child ever asked me for a coital relationship.

Lady readers, if you are afraid to take the extreme measures which Mrs. Stewart took, that is understandable. But you can still do your bit by taking a boy out to the park and asking him to bare his torso. If you need a good pretext, remember my supervisor’s line of defense: calciferol is nutritious!

(End of File)